WASHINGTON, D.C. — A strident and victorious General Donald Trump — President of The United States of America — triumphantly burst onto the front lawn of the White House this morning, a house cat that he had reportedly just grabbed on his way out the door held aloft, and proclaimed victory in the War on Christmas. Over the past Christmas weekend, Trump tweeted to his millions of followers that the decisive blow had been struck, and that the Christmas Army had finally defeated their adversaries. Trump’s tweet said he was “proud to have led the charge” in restoring America’s love and celebration of Christmas.
People are proud to be saying Merry Christmas again. I am proud to have led the charge against the assault of our cherished and beautiful phrase. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 25, 2017
“Victory is ours, folks! Americans no longer have to cower during Christmastime! Our beautiful Christmas isn’t going to just be relegated to four retail shopping months of the year,” Trump bellowed into the microphone at the podium he was was standing at. “We all know that being bombarded with Christmas music from the time that Thanksgiving ends to the end of the year isn’t enough for true American Christian Patriots. So I hoist this pussy aloft for you, comrades — that’s a word Uncle Vlad taught me — in victory!”
White House senior policy adviser and speechwriter Stephen Miller appeared with a group of thirty white men, led by Richard Spencer, and they raised their arms in the air in salute to Trump.
“Hail Victory! Hail Trump,” the men shouted.
Trump continued to sing his own praises.
“Before I took office, the previous president, let’s call him Black Guy McNotaRepublican, had pretty much outlawed Christmas,” President Trump declared. “It’s true. I read it somewhere in a forward my truly brilliant son Eric sent me. By the way, Eric is definitely potty trained and most definitely not officially dumber than a box of broken dildos. Just saying. Point is, I came in here, and the first thing I said to Kellyanne was, ‘Girrrrrrllll, we gotta do something about this Christmas thing. We gotta make Christmas great again!'”
Finally, Trump declared that he was terminating the sentences of all FEMA prisoners who were being held on Christmas-related charges.
“This failed War on Christmas is over, and it’s time to bring our loved ones home from Obama’s forced gay marriage abortion gun confiscation FEMA camps,” Trump said.