Me-owwww! Things are heating up on the lame new reality-TV political show, President Donald J. Trump!
Sparks are a flyin’ between President Donny Trump’s current and former lovers, and everyone is wondering if we have ourselves a good old fashioned presidential love triangle (or square, even!) happening in the nation’s capital.
It all started when He Whose Hand Size Shall Be Overly Generously Estimated’s first wife Ivana quipped that she is “basically first Trump wife” which in her mind makes her first lady.
“I have the direct number to White House but I don’t really want to call him there because Melania is there and I don’t really want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife, OK? I’m first lady, OK?” she told ABC, laughing. (CNN)
Of course that kind of comment is going to set off Grand Emperor Trump’s current wife, and Melania’s response was predictably terse with Ivana. “There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex, this is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise,” wrote Melania’s spokesman in a statement. He said that Mrs. Trump “plans to use her title and role to help children, not sell books.”
Ouchie, Melania! That one’s gotta sting! But, perhaps not as much as it will sting when you find out what your step-step-daughter said about the entire mess today!
In a development that prolly no one should consider surprising in the least, the Commander in Chief’s true top gal strode into the fray today, according to sources supe-dupe close to the sitch told us on condish of anonymity and a Nordstrom’s gift card.
Editor’s Note: The preceding paragraph was written by an unpaid intern who was only able to do his work from his smart phone via voice-to-text. We are too cheap and have far too flimsy of journalistic standards to perform a re-write of the paragraph.
“Ivanka goes into the Oval Office,” one source told us, “where Melania and the president were talking about how to handle Ivana, and Ivanka was all, ‘Daddy. Umm, what the hell-uhhh? Why haven’t you told Mom and Mom Three the real deal yet?’ And Mr. Trump was definitely taken aback but he seemed to recover pretty quickly.”
According to some in the room, Trump told his daughter that he didn’t want to speak for her, and that he wanted to “be all millennial and shit” and let her “as a super hot, foxy broad” broach the horizon of the feud on her own terms. Ivanka nodded her head.
“That’s good, Daddy,” Ivanka nodded her head mechanically, then turning to Melania, “Listen up, Mom Three! I don’t care who Daddy’s First Lady is! I’m his firstborn daughter, but more importantly I’m his Bottom Bitch, so you both can just STEP OFF!”
Noted Presidential and Reality TV historian Doris Kearns Goodwin says that this kind of behavior may seem very new to modern Americans, and with good reason.
“No one can deny this First Family is friggin’ nuts,” Ms. Goodwin said, “but that’s what you get when you vote for a guy who was a pop culture punchline, and a third-rate reality-TV star, I guess. Who needs a drink?”
Editor’s Note: We adore DKG and hope she understands the true value of satire in these most desperate of times. But just in case, we slipped a sawbuck into her purse as she was getting back into the cab after the interview.
Rumor has it that once Ivanka had made it clear who the real boss of her father is, tensions started to de-escalate.
“Mrs. Trump was taken from the Oval Office and put in the president’s trophy case,” one source said, “Where she feels most comfortable and he feels the least inadequate next to her.”
We were unable to get direct comments from the White House, Ivanka, or Ivana Trump.