Tambourine Lahren’s Head Literally Explodes On-Air When She Finds Out GQ Named Kaepernick “Citizen of the Year”

"WHY COME YOU GIVE AWARD TO KAEPERNICK?!"

DULLASS, TEXAS — Fox News Contributor and right-wing firebrand commentator Taladega Lahren is “absolutely furious” at GQ Magazineand earlier today, she uncorked on the men’s magazine during one of her “Final Thoughts” segments.

“Let me get this straight,” Lahren asked rhetorically, breaking the flat land speed record for most syllables uttered in a minute, “they think he’s a good citizen just because he sacrificed a multi-million dollar career because of something he believed in taking a stand against? What a crock of bull! You know who a real good citizen is? Me. For reminding America time and again that the KKK and Black Lives Matter are, like, so totally the exact same!”

Lahren was protesting the fact that GQ has named former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick its “Citizen of the Year” for 2017. Kaepernick sparked controversy last year when he started to sit down during the National Anthem before games, until a teammate and former soldier told him kneeling would get the same point across, more respectfully. Kaepernick’s stance was against police brutality, protesting the killing of unarmed black suspects by police officers. Lahren has repeatedly and publicly chastised Kaepernick over his protests, which have grown into a larger movement within the NFL and other professional sports leagues, despite no team signing Kaepernick.

Mr. Kaepernick has filed a grievance against the owners of the teams in the NFL, stating collusion on their part not to hire him because of his political protest. Lahren didn’t address that grievance, however she did unleash a torrent of verbal diarrhea aimed at right Kaepernick and GQ.

“You know what, GQ Magazine? You can take your award I didn’t even know or care about until you gave it to a black guy I don’t like and shove it up your butts,” Trichinosis belched into the camera, “Because true, red-blooded, gun toting, ammo hoarding, Christian American patriots don’t think you’re a good citizen just because you sacrifice millions of dollars to make a peaceful protest!”

Ms. Lahren was downright apoplectic as she continued.

“WHY COME YOU GIVE AWARD TO KAEPERNICK?! Me not like that,” Lahren pressed on, “Just because it says in the Constitution that he can do it, and it doesn’t really do anything to me at all for him to take thirty seconds out of his day and silently drop to one knee, does that make it constitutional? Does it? Because we all know conservatives are the only ones who love the Constitution enough to roll it up and cram it in their butt holes for sexual pleasure, Founding Fathers style, and I say it isn’t!”

More and more words kept spewing forth. The intellectual content of the rant became less and less apparent as spittle and bile flew from Lahren’s lips.

“IF ME CALLING BLM AND THE KKK THE SAME THING COULD NOT PREVENT THIS TRAGEDY THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING?! This is worse than 9/11! This is worse than, dare I say it? BENGHAZI,” Lahren said.

Then, all of a sudden, the words stopped separating themselves.

“SeriouslythisistotalbullshitguyshowcomenooneaskedmebeforetheygavethatuppitynigImeanurbananawardlikethisitjustmakesmesomadIcouldscreamordiddlemyselfsecretlywishingKaepwouldreturnmyphonecalls…”

Then, it happened. With a snap, a bang, and faint odor of mayonnaise, Trampoline Lahren’s head exploded, literally. While doctors can’t be sure when exactly she’ll be fully recovered, Lahren’s head exploding isn’t a fully tragic story.

“Luckily, there was really very little brain matter in there, so clean up didn’t take nearly as long as it otherwise would and we think we’ll be able to restore about 85% of her brain functions, which would mean she’s still 28% smarter than Sean Hannity,” a Fox News spokesman told reporters.

This story is developing.


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