North American Medical Marijuana Union Announces 4 Things Pot Cures With 100% Success Rates

"This shit is pretty fucking hard to believe, to be totally goddamned honest."

Maybe Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know about it, but one of the continent’s nearly leading consortiums of people who dropped out of medical school within six months of finishing has just released a groundbreaking report on the efficacy of using marijuana, or “the Devil’s Pot” as it is also very commonly referred to, in the treatment of four maladies. The study, released by the North American Medical Union lists marijuana as a “literal miracle drug” in the report, and the findings are already creating quite a lot of buzz in the medical community.

“This shit is pretty fucking hard to believe, to be totally goddamned honest, Billy,” Dr. Gerald Heraldson of the American Medical Alliance told reporters covering a recent medical industry convention in downtown Topangeles, Kentucky. “It seems, if I’m being totally honest here,” Heraldson continued, “To be kind of just a lot of utter and complete cocksucking fuckery, honestly mothershitdicking honestly, speaking.”

Nearly every doctor who we spoke to called the NAMMU’s study “nonsense,” or “garbage, or, “the kind of bullshit you see on stupid satirical websites that waste your precious mortal time trying to elicit a smile or a giggle from you in some vain, cheap, probably banal way.”

But that will not stop us of from re-printing some of the highlights of the study, the more — shall we say — clickbaitastarific elements, below. Because that’s what journalism is now. Mostly. And “Rick and Morty” memes. Whatever. Kill me?

#4 Failure to Rub One Out In The Last Couple Days

According tot he NAMMU study, if you don’t “drop a nut at least three times a week,” you risk contracting “Super Duper Blue Ballz0rz.” The New English Journal of Health and Made Up Ailments lists Super Duper Blue Ballz0rz as a “degenerative, chronic disease that leaves your fruit basket feeling dry and empty.” But, luckily for people with testicles everywhere, the NAMMU study found a 100% success rate with giving weed to people with blue balls and within twenty to thirty minutes, they were pleasing themselves in ways that send you to Hell. 



#3 Not Finding Any Jurassic Park Films After The First One Watchable

Though we’re not quite sure why they did it, NAMMU included people in their study who didn’t find any of the Jurassic Park films watchable after the first one. Up until the study was released, it was a well known, but rarely spoken about malady. The reality is that somewhere in the neighborhood of 85-95% of people have this affliction and suffer with it every day. But the good news for everyone is that the NAMMU study shows without any doubt that smoking weed will make just about anything more enjoyable, including unnecessary sequels!

#2 Being a Villainous Little Imp Of A Racist Cookie Elf

Attorney General Jeff Sessions wants to bring back the war on drugs, and he was so racist that in 1986 he was disqualified from a federal judgeship because of it. But the irony is that if he’d just smoke a little pot, at least according to the NAMMU study, he’d be a lovable little imp, instead of a villainous, racist one. Here’s hoping Jeff finds his way clear to a bong before it’s too late.

#1 Being Unable to Appreciate Milli Vanilli For What It Was, Anyway

It’s really easy to be jaded and cynical about pretty much everything in life. According to NAMMU’s study, though, Chronic Milli Vanilli Hate-Itis, a very real, very deadly disease, can be completely cured with a little pot. In a double-blind, triply deaf study, researchers proved that the ability of the human ear to happily process Milli Vanilli records is increased by more than seventeen thousand squintillion when the listener is “on the pot,” according to the study’s authors.

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