WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump broke his silence on the Pentagon’s top secret, multi-billion dollar mission to investigate UFOs this morning.
Last week, The New York Times broke the story of a secret Pentagon program that was created at the behest of then Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). The program was intended to investigate unidentified flying objects — UFOs as they are more commonly known — under the premise of ensuring that adversarial nations had not developed more advanced war tech than America. The Times piece included video of Air Force pilots investigating a UFO.
“Clearly this program has uncovered a sad, sad truth. We must not only safeguard this country from illegal Mexican aliens, but apparently we must also safeguard against illegal non-Mexican ones too,” Trump told the press as he left the White House this morning on his Diet Coke, deep fried lard, and hot dog break.
Mr. Trump indicated that he has decided the border wall he has been demanding Congress find room in the budget for, a wall he campaigned on building, be revised to stretch not just east to west along the country’s southern border with Mexico. Now, he says he wants the wall to also go at least seventy miles straight up, into outer space.
“And we’ll make Mars pay for it,” Trump said. “Once we figure out who’s running Mars, we send them and Mexico the bill for the wall. Then, bip-bam-boom, I’m presidented again for, like, another twenty years or whatever.”
Mr. Trump is convinced that no one will be able to penetrate the wall he’s having built, not by land, sea, air, or hyperspace.
“Sure they could swim around it, but they can’t scale it anymore if we make it reach all the way up into space,” Trump said proudly.
The president told the press that while he believes most extraterrestrial aliens should be kept “far, far away” from America, there is one group of them that he’s willing to consider giving a chance at American citizenship.
“The female Martians,” Trump said. “They can stay. Melania isn’t getting any younger, and we all know I have a thing for importing my wives from far off places. So, maybe it’s time I grab a little E.T. puss, know what I mean?”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he was too busy working out how to get the nation’s grandparents to accept cat food as a staple of their diets to comment on Trump’s wall proposal.
“But him being a Republican means we’ll put up with every inane, insane, stupid, incendiary, racist, and offensive thing he says, no matter how incompetent and clearly unfit for the office he is,” Ryan said. “Because obliterating the middle class is a joint effort, fam.”