JEUNE CHATTE MOUNDS, ALABAMA — Still licking his wounds after a stunning, historic upset loss to Democrat Doug Jones, Alabama Judge Roy Moore has reportedly been invited to embark on a speaking tour of middle school quads and shopping malls across the South.. The talks are hosted by Liberty University, the religious college run by the arch conservative Falwell family. The focus of Moore’s talks will be on “traditional Christian dating practices” and “coping when God’s plans are interrupted by amoral heathens who don’t appreciate the nuances of man-girl love.”
“I am pleased to say that I have been offered a spot on the PED Talk lineup next year,” Moore told various media outlets who found him eating breakfast in a school cafeteria in a small Alabama town this morning. “And I would be a fool not to take them up on it. The money’s good, but more important, I think my message is most desperately needed in these dark, uncertain times.”
The PED Talks tour starts in the southernmost tip of Florida, winds itself up through the panhandle, and then cuts west through the Bible Belt. Moore told reporters the organizers of PED Talks took a map of the country during the Civil War and drew a big red circle around all the Confederate states. That’s where the tour will focus.
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“We know Yankees have some high-fallutin’ problem with Biblical Dating, so why even bother with them? I look forward to talking to young’uns who have been learned the right things by their mammy and pappy,” Moore said. “Respecting your elders enough to know the difference between molestation and romance the Holy Spirit way.”
Liberty University said through a spokesperson that they “couldn’t be more delighted” to sponsor the speaking tour.
“If any college is the appropriate college to sponsor these talks, it’s Liberty University,” Phillip Fillison, Liberty University’s spokesperson told reporters this morning while announcing the tour. “After all, we have classes that devote an entire semester to studying the very real immaculate conception. And that’s really just the first recorded instance of statutory rape, isn’t it? Mary was fourteen, the Holy Spirit was infinity years old. So, this just makes sense, doesn’t it? Of course it does.”
PED Talks will also feature former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner.