Town Pervert Hopes To Get Trump’s Endorsement One Day

"If he's gonna go around endorsing perverts, I wanted to get in line."

HASTERT VALLEY, ARKANSAS — Chester Terwilliger is known around his small hometown as “Chester the Molester” or “Nasty Terwilliger.” He got that nickname back in 1992, when as a 32 year old man he was cited by the local paper for taking his sixteen year old cousin and fiance to her prom. Though the age of consent in his state is 16, the locals didn’t take too kindly to seeing someone in their community unabashedly soaking up the spotlight for such a thing as taking his minor cousin to a high school dance.

“What can I say? I always liked ’em crisp and fresh,” Chester told our reporter this past weekend. “And you know, I had been starting to feel, after years of looking back, that I had been a predator. Maybe I didn’t see it that way, but just because your state makes it legal to bang teenagers when you’re old enough to need Just For Men, that doesn’t mean you should.”

However, in recent weeks, seeing the President of the United States endorse another man who has a history of dating teen girls when he was an adult, has given Terwilliger another thought — he’s completely normal and even worthy of elected office.

“I gotta say, I never thought about a life of public service, given that I have a penchant for young flesh,” Chester said, “and usually you have to be elected first and then you get to be caught liking them too young. It hardly ever works the other way around. But after Roy Moore? Who knows! The sky is the pedophile’s limit!”


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Last week, after days of ducking the question, President Trump gave a tacit endorsement to Judge Roy Moore, the embattled Republican currently in a dead heat special election race for Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ old seat int he U.S. Senate. Pointing to the fact that Mr. Moore has denied the numerous allegations of preying upon younger girls decades ago as reason enough to trust him. Trump seemed to imply that it would be better to have a person of problematic moral fiber in the Senate than a Democrat. Mr. Trump is currently trying to help his party shepherd massive tax reform through Congress and to his desk, despite many estimates showing the tax overhaul could put much of the financial burden on the middle class.

Chester says seeing Trump make equivocations for Moore made him realize that all he had to do was pick a political party, run for office, and someone from the party he chose will defend him, no matter what.

“I always thought political parties had outlived their usefulness to the people and were largely just big corporate machines serving their own best interests,” Chester said. “But clearly if you’re into sex stuff with young teenage girls, political parties can still serve a purpose for you.”

Though he voted for a third party candidate last year, Chester is hoping that should his newfound political aspirations bring him to the Republican Party, President Trump will be able to overlook that and endorse his candidacy anyway.

“I didn’t even vote for the tiny fingered d-bag,” Chester said, “but if he’s gonna go around endorsing perverts, I wanted to get in line, know what I mean?”

The White House did not comment on this story.




More satire:

Roy Moore: “I’m The Slippery Slope To Pedophilia I Was Warning Y’all Gay Marriage Would Bring!”

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