WASHINGTON, D.C. — During an already tense and tumultuous day for the White House, a day that saw their former national security adviser arrested and pleading guilty for lying to the FBI, sources within the White House are reporting that President Donald Trump placed a call to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and offered to give her the presidency.
“It’s not all that great a job, to be honest,” Trump reportedly told Clinton during the call. “You have, like, way fewer God powers than Steve Bannon promised me. It’s actually kind of boring.”
Trump tried his hardest to convince Hillary she should take the job.
“Look, I don’t know what the Constitution says about the line of succession, but I do know that Pence is probably fucked too,” Trump said. “So, maybe, just maybe, you could take it. I mean, it was your turn after all, Crook — I mean, Secretary of State Clinton. Ideally I’d like you to take it before Mike testifies against me.”
Trump tried leaning on his reputation to persuade Ms. Clinton.
“C’mon! Let’s do a deal, baby! I’m the deal guy, remember? Winning? I win,” Trump tried.
Clinton didn’t budge.
Throughout the call, Ms. Clinton refused, citing both the Constitution and a desire to retire from politics.
“But Crook, er, I mean, Hillary! Listen to reason,” Trump said. “All you have to do is come down here, put your hand on a Bible, mutter a few words, and it’s all yours.”
Clinton still did not agree. She told Trump he was “acting irrationally” and that she’d send him over a nice big plate of nothingburgers with Russian dressing to calm his nerves. Appreciative of the burgers though he was, Trump wasn’t hungry.
“I’m not hungry right now, Crook, er I mean, Madam Secretary,” Trump said. “C’mon. Just come down here, get sworn in, and then when the press asks you, tell them you’ve been president all along and there’s no need to impeach anyone else.”
Reportedly, Hillary Clinton simply laughed for ten minutes straight and then hung up.