In news that might upset the commander in chief, newly released polling suggests a majority of Americans would prefer to vote for the novel coronavirus this November, rather than accept another four year presidential term for alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump. In a survey of over 1500 likely U.S. voters, a poll conducted by Southwest Northern University and survey company We Poll You So Hard shows that in a hypothetical matchup between Trump and coronavirus, the virus wins by ten point margin. The polling data seems to suggest that Trump wouldn’t just lose to coronavirus, but also to diarrhea and taint cancer.
“It seems pretty apparent from the data,” We Poll You lead researcher Jeff Jefferson said during an appearance on the CBS show Facing the Media on Sunday Morning, “that voters at this point would prefer a pretty wide panoply of infectious diseases and terrible health maladies to another four years of President Trump. Taint cancer, for instance, would apparently bet him by six points, and that’s even if he chose a literal dried up piece of dog shit for his running mate this time around. No matter which disease we compared Trump to, our respondents chose that disease over him the majority of the time.”
Trump’s administration is currently trying to project confidence and skill at crisis management, as a pandemic outbreak of the coronavirus has engulfed several other countries, and has forced Major League Baseball and the NBA to postpone games. Schools all across America have closed, sending kids home for up to a month, or more. According to the poll’s results, though, more Americans would rather have coronavirus in charge of stopping the spread of Trumpism than Trump in charge of stopping the spread of coronavirus.
“In every single hypothetical matchup, Americans feel like they can trust an infectious disease, even one with a high threat of pandemic outbreak, more than they can trust the current president,” Jefferson summarized the dat. “In fact, our data seems to suggest that most voters view Trump as a disease himself. Now, does that mean he’ll lose in November? Well, the Electoral College still exists, so it’s entirely possible the reborn Confederacy will once again choose our president. However, given what the data seems to indicate, the vast majority of non-racist, non-xenophobic, non-ignorant Americans would much rather have the coronavirus sworn into office next January than have Trump take the oath of office once more.”
Word of the poll spread fast on the Hill this morning. Reportedly, the White House and President Trump’s re-election campaign have already initiated their response. White House chief bullshit and propaganda adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters about what Trump 2020 is doing to counteract the polling data.
“This morning the president was briefed on the situation in the polling data, yes. He knew what had to be done right away, and immediately got on the phone with the President of Ukraine,” Conway announced. “President Trump has asked the Ukrainian government to look into whether coronavirus or one of coronavirus’ children worked for any Ukrainian energy companies. In general, as you know the president is quite concerned with corruption worldwide, and he just wants to make sure anyone beating him in the polls is fully investigated and smeared if needs be.”
Though coronavirus has not officially declared its candidacy, an exploratory committee has been launched. This week, “Coronavirus 2020” campaign merchandise made its debut. Coronavirus has hired a public relations firm to handle media inquiries, and this morning the PR firm’s spokesman spoke about the potential of coronavirus making a late-entry run at the presidency.
“Right now, all we’re doing is looking at our options, and seeing how feasible it would be to get on the ballot in a few states,” Coronavirus spokesperson Karen Smillsentstein told reporters today. “As soon as we know, we’ll certainly let you all know, of course. Stay tuned, folks; you just never know in the world of politics.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.