WASHINGTON, D.C. — A rat from Baltimore has been in the nation’s capital for the last few days, visiting friends and family. During his visit, Whitmire the Rat decided he wanted to take a “once in a lifetime opportunity” and visit one of the most historic places in the entire country. So, he booked himself a tour of the White House, and Whitmire told us via Skype today that he “feels right at home” there.
“At first, I was really nervous about visiting. I’d heard all the things the guy who lives there says about we Baltimore rats, and I was sure that I wouldn’t be welcome at the White House,” Whitmire told us. “But when I walked into the joint, it was wall to wall rats. Everywhere I looked I found another rat.”
It take Whitmire long to figure out why there were so many rats in the White House, either.
“We rats love dumpsters. Why? Because what’s in dumpsters? Trash,” Whitmire said. “I cannot think of a bigger dumpster with more trash in it than this place, so no I wasn’t surprised by just how many rats live here.”
Whitmire says he saw “rats way bigger” than he’s used to back home. He tried to meet a few of them and to remember their names, in case that came in handy later on down the line. Whitmire has been thinking about taking a D.C. area internship later in the fall, and before his visit, he was convinced the White House wasn’t worth even considering. However, now Whitmire thinks it might be worth pursuing.
“There was a rat named Kellyanne, and another named Mick. There was this blonde rat named Ivanka that the big orange guy kept trying to fondle while everyone was looking right at him. Weird guy,” Whitmire said. “Really weird guy. But other than him, all the rats I met were generally pretty okay.”
Though he was relieved to find that the White House is far more tolerant and accepting of rats than he’d thought it would be, Whitmire still isn’t sure he’s going to apply to be an intern there. As much as he enjoys certain aspects of the grounds, and as much as there is “both literal and human garbage” everywhere he could see, Whitmire says he was still ultimately “pretty uncomfortable” at the White House.
“Sure, they don’t have a lot of rat traps out because that would mean constantly having to spring Stephen Miller out of them,” Whitmire explained, “but I’d still have to be around a ton of racists. Say what you will about rats. We carry disease. We’re rodentia. But we’re not racists. Jesus Christ almighty, at least we’re not racists.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”