WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been quite a day for Attorney General William Barr.
To start his day, Barr held a rather unprecedented press conference, introducing a redacted version of FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s long-awaited reported into the Russian attempts to subvert the 2016 presidential election. Though at the time no one had any copies of the report, even the reporters in the press conference, Barr used his time to go over key findings in Mueller’s report, and he took extra care to explain why he and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein declined to recommend charges on obstruction of justice against President Trump.
“The president was frustrated and angered by the sincere belief that the investigation was undermining his presidency,” Barr said. (CBS News)
While Barr’s reasoning seems to open a new avenue of legal defenses for executive power abuse, he wasn’t done. He later told reporters that he feels any president can “murder ten people if he’s feeling stressed out enough.” As he was making that statement, the redacted report was released to the public. It contains elements that are hard to not categorize as extremely damning and damaging to President Trump’s claims that he didn’t obstruct justice.
Mueller’s report even went so far as to seemingly encourage Congress to criminalize his actions and move toward impeachment.
On page 382 of the #MuellerReport, Special Counsel Robert Mueller gives Congress the green light to potentially pursue impeachment.
— rantt (@ranttmedia) April 18, 2019
Barr’s day wasn’t quite over at that point, though. He was seen heading to the bathroom in the Department of Justice by a reporter and when asked, he agreed to give even more insight into his decision not to charge that the president obstructed justice, despite admitting that Mueller had at least ten separate incidents to investigate to determine if he’d done so. Ultimately, Barr says, it was a matter of simple logistics.
“Look, it’s farily apparent that I’m Trump’s bag man, but it goes deeper than that. Not only am I his bag man, I’m his ball bag man,” Barr said. “Which means, necessarily, I end up with an insane amount of his dick in my throat. Like, not in terms of gross poundage, because he doesn’t have that much man meat to work with, frankly. I’m talking about in terms of raw percentage of Trump’s dick. So, like 95-110% of it goes down my throat. I put it so far down there I end up gargling his taint.”
AG Barr was quick to point out, though, that he’s not “just Trump’s lackey just because [he] carries a load” for the president.
“I was George HW Bush’s lackey too, don’t forget,” Barr said. “So whether I carry his load or swallow it, the point is that Republican presidents make me super wet, and I just can’t help myself.”
It was precisely because Trump’s betoadstool’d penis was in his throat so much that Barr couldn’t make the judgement that the president obstructed justice, Barr said.
“I’m this presidency’s Deep Throat, but you know, like, literally. So, if you’ve got something obstructing your view like that, you aren’t really able to make any clear determinations,” Barr explained. “It was impossible for me judge if Trump obstructed justice with is dick obstructing my wind pipe. I just wanted to write my summary, hold my press conference, and get his floppy phallus out of my esophagus so I could breathe!”
Reached for comment, the president said he is “bigly proud” of his “personal attorney William Barr” for everything he’s said today.
“Ivanka can tell you,” Trump was heard telling reporters, “I just love hearing about when people deep-throat me.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.