WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr keeps finding ways that the Mueller Report exonerates President Trump for various acts he has committed. First, Barr used FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report to justify concluding that there wasn’t enough evidence that Trump obstructed the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election. Then, surprisingly, Barr found a way to clear Trump of any wrongdoing for promising that Mexico would pay for the southern border wall Trump has demanded from Congress.
That’s when things started taking another turn toward the unprecedented. Barr has also issued a judgment that the Mueller Report exonerates Voldemort from any charges that he is the central antagonist in the Harry Potter novels. Just hours later, Barr announced that the Mueller Report contained key findings that allowed him to exonerate embattled actor Jussie Smollett, after Chicago prosecutors dropped all the charges against him. But Barr wasn’t quite done exonerating people based on the Mueller Report when he arrived at the Department of Justice this morning.
“Last night, I took the Mueller Report home with me and quickly read it again. As everyone knows I’m the fastest reader of all time,” Barr said. “Anyhow, as I read it, I realized that it contains key evidence that would exonerate another president, and so I put this press conference together to make this very special, important announcement.”
Barr reached into his jacked and pulled out a yellow sticky note, which he said is yet another summary of the “somewhat tangentially related principle findings” of the Mueller report.
“This report clearly exonerates President Barack HUSSEIN Obama for the crimes of a) being a Democrat, b) being black, and c) being a black Democrat while in the Oval Office serving as President of the United States of America,” Barr announced to shocked whispers from the press. “It also fully exonerates him on the question of whether he forged his birth certificate. As of now, it doesn’t matter if he did, because the Mueller Report completely clears him. This thing just keeps on exonerating! It’s amazing!”
Barr also exonerated former President Obama for every single gun he confiscated from an American citizen during his eight year tenure. Obama currently holds the world record for most guns confiscated and forcing the most Americans to get Sharia Communist Gay Married in a FEMA camp. Barr said the Mueller report “clearly exonerates” Obama for those transgressions.
“The thing is, if I can exonerate a sitting president for real crimes based on this report, I should be able to exonerate former presidents for fictional crimes as well,” Barr insisted.
Before going back into the DOJ, Barr said the American people should expect him to exonerate a person or two a day for the foreseeable future.
“Every time I crack open that Mueller report, I find something in it that lets me exonerate someone,” Barr said. “So this could happen for a long time coming. Who knows who I’m going to exonerate next? It’s all so very exciting! If anyone out there can think of someone who needs to be exonerated for something, now’s the time! Contact me on my AOL account, IranContrarytoPopularOpinion@aol.com, fam.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.