WASHINGTON, D.C. — Thursday, April 22nd, 2021 will be the first Earth Day that Joe Biden spends as President of the United States, though he has previously attended White House festivities on that day as Barack Obama’s Vice President. This year, Biden decided, however, that he will end one presidential tradition that was started just a few years back, during the previous administration’s tenure.
“I know the last guy did things differently, Bub, and I’m tellin’ you that we’re gonna un-different things around here all the time. On my watch, it’s basic to status quo in just about every which way,” Biden said proudly. “Sure, wages will still stagnate, the rich will keep getting richer, but at least the babies will be moved from cages into wonderful new lockdown facilities with, I don’t know, newer toys or whatever the kids like these days.”
That “return to normal,” Biden said, inspired his decision to cancel the Flat Earth festivities that the previous Oval Office occupant held each year of his presidency.
“I’ve got nothing against those simple-minded simpletons, you see,” Biden explained, “but the earth ain’t flat, Jack! It’s round and big and beautiful and I should know because I’ve been on a magic ship that has shown me a lot of other planets and one was actually flat, but then my granddaughter told me that was just a pancake, whatever the hell that is. The point is, Flat Earth day is canceled.”
News of Biden’s decision angered the usual suspects. Ted Cruz called it “another kowtowing to the cancel culture mob.” Dan Bongino stopped hate spanking to old videos of Hillary Clinton long enough to condemn the move as “cultural Marxism and the cult of so-called science and intelligent thought.” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Geene said when she got the news, it made her nearly choke on her crack pipe.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.