WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Joe Biden signed two executive orders related to who can and cannot serve in active U.S. military duty. In fact, both orders are intended to expand the recruitment pool, rather than contract it.

In a ceremony today in the Oval Office, a masked Biden signed two orders — one to reverse the ban on transgender servicemembers implemented by the previous administration, and another lifting the ban on senior citizens with bone spurs serving in active war zones.

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“Folks, were in here today to take care of two pieces of business the last guy left me clean up. This is a different kind of business than the kind of business he left in the toilet tank in the presidential residency,” Biden announced. “I believe the term is an ‘upper decker,’ or something. The point is, Jack, is that we’re here to sign a couple executive orders so let’s get that done right now, shall we?”

After signing the orders, Biden explained them in a little greater detail.

“Well, the first order is a pretty straightforward reversal of a really stupid decision the last guys made,” Biden said. “Anyone who wants to serve this country is a patriot, regardless of which toilet stall they use. The second order is meant to correct another ban that I think is just very unfair to senior citizens with bone spurs. If they’re such, big, strong patriotis who put America first, they should be allowed to serve in active war zones like their much younger countrymates.”

Biden explained that in his mind “bone spurs should have never disqualified” anyone from service.

“Especially if those bone spurs are fictitious in nature,” Biden said. “It seems extremely unfair and judgmental to tell someone they’re not allowed to serve this country bravely and courageously just because they’re pretending to have a medical condition.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.