WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the evacuation of Afghanistan continues apace, President Joe Biden has promised the American public he’ll do everything he can to get every every citizen, and ally who helped the country’s twenty year war effort in the country escape to the United States. Today, Biden announced that he was in the process of negotiating a special deal that could bring up to one million refugees over from Afghanistan.
“Listen here, bub, nobody who isn’t a Nazi scumbag likes the little penile wart,” Biden explained, “so last night I decided, you know what? Fuck it. Let’s see if the Taliban will trade us one Stephen Miller for one million Afghan refugees. It’s worth a shot; the Taliban are terrible, and only they would deserve something like being stuck with that balding dick whistle.”
In Biden’s estimation, swapping Miller for a million refugees is a “no brainer” and “best for all parties involved.”
“Stephen, being the fuck-husk that he is, is always trying to make America into this right-wing, violent, super-religious theocracy,” Biden explained, “which just so happens to be what the Taliban are down to clown for. So, it seems to be that Stephen and the Taliban would be like two fascist, misogynist, ignorant pieces of shit in a pod, know what I mean, Jelly Bean?”
The Taliban seemed quite disinterested in the bargain, however.
“Stephen Miller may believe in a Christian caliphate. He might be a balding, arrogant prick who would have been a failure if he hadn’t been born into privilege, and he might be the world’s biggest asshole,” a Talbian spokesterrorist said, “but let’s be real. Even cancer shouldn’t be stuck with Stephen Miller. Biden can have the million refugees, if he wants them, but we’ll not be taking any garbage-dildo hybrid cocks in exchange, thank you very much.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.