WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though he seems intent on never technically conceding that he lost, President Donald Trump has agreed to begin allowing his administration to give the incoming Joe Biden administration important briefings, starting immediately. This morning, President Trump told reporters he authorized his staff to begin holding “daily covfefe briefings” with Biden’s team.
“While I am confident that one of my lawsuits will upend the will of over 80 million people who voted against me and make me the permanent president,” Trump read from a written statement before taking questions, “I do think it’s important to have a back-up, in case those ungrateful fucks on the Supreme Court don’t give me what I demand to be mine. And the last thing I want is for Sleepy Toe-Teepy to not be prepared for a covfefe shortage.”
In addition to daily covfefe briefings, the Trump administration will begin to give the Biden transition team some briefings on health-related issues.
“We will not be meeting with the Biden team on the coronavirus, because they can manage their own hoax,” Trump told reporters, “but we want to make sure they’re fully prepared to fight the scourge of windmill cancer, and so we’ll be giving them daily updates on that topic, you can be sure.”
Mr. Trump keeps giving mixed signals as to whether or not he plans to leave the White House quietly on January 20th, 2021 after Biden is sworn in. While he authorized his administration to start the transition of power to Biden, he is still directing his legal team to file lawsuits trying to stop the certification of the election results. Regardless of how Trump’s attempts to subvert the election result resolve themselves, Trump said today he “just want[s] Mo Meepy Biden” to have the information he needs in the event Trump decides to honor the will of the voters.
“Whether or not I let the election stand, I just want Mo Meepy Biden to go into this thing with his eyes wide open,” Trump explained. “Wind cancer and covfefe nearly crippled my administration, and I want Ko Keepy to have a better chance than I did. That is, of course, provided I allow him to, of course.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.