During her Senate confirmation hearing today, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson was treated to something that many medical experts say would induce Toxic Bullshit and Grandstanding Poisoning — more than eight hours in a closed room with Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Josh Hawley. Jackson, who was nominated by Biden to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, and today was the first time that she was peppered with questions from both Democrats and Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee.
It’s widely assumed that Jackson will survive her confirmation process, as there are a handful of Republicans on the committee that voted just last year to confirm her to the D.C. circuit of appeals. However, it’s clear that at least one Republican Senator is having doubts about confirming Jackson, at least until the judge can help the senator find her misplaced comb.
“Now, I do want to note that your confirmation to the court would signal an alarming trend in which mediocre white people aren’t handed jobs over far more qualified people of color,” Sen. Marsha Blackburn (Q-TN) said to Jackson during the hearing. “Putting that aside, however, I feel this is a question I simply must ask, and please, keep it to a yes or no.”
Judge Jackson informed Sen. Blackburn that she had not, in fact, seen her comb.
“I’m sorry, Senator, I’m afraid I can’t help you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I simply cannot, as I have not seen your comb,” Jackson replied.
This answer seemed to upset Sen. Blackburn.
“Well, la-dee-da. I wonder if your answer would be different if I hadn’t slept in my car so I could be in a cocoon of my own farts, Judge Jackson,” Blackburn asked accusatorily.
Jackson just shrugged.
“Or, I wonder if you’d be so flippant about this subject if George Soros told Barack Obama to tell President XI of China to tell Joe Biden to tell you to care about where my comb is, with all due respect,” Blackburn said angrily.
Jackson, once more, just sat in her chair and didn’t reply.
“Frankly, candidly, if you don’t know where my comb is, and you can’t help me get this hair under control, then I don’t see how you’d be any more qualified to sit on that bench than the next mediocre, mayo-tinted man that the Federalist Society buys his way onto the bench,” Blackburn said, tears of rage streaming down her face.
As a rat jumped out from Blackburn’s hair and scurried out of the hearing chamber, Blackburn’s time expired and she yielded back.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.