WASHINGTON, D.C. — Next week, the Senate Judiciary Committee, under chairmanship from Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), will begin the confirmation process of Judge Amy Coney Barrett. Despite several prominent Republicans announcing quarantine after positive Covid-19 test results, including members of Graham’s own committee and the president himself, Graham is barreling forward and has vowed to get Barrett confirmed and installed in the seat left vacated by the passing of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
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Word on the Hill, though, is that Graham is counted among several Senate Republicans privately telling donors and staff they’re bracing for a political blood bath. Graham was overheard at a D.C. area deli telling colleagues he knows Senate Democrats will “smear” Barrett.
“They’re gonna use her own religious beliefs, which she proudly displays all the time, against her,” Graham could be heard sobbing over his corned beef on rye sandwich. “They’ll try to destroy her with her own religion, which she openly says dominates every aspect of her life! They’ll say just because she belongs to a strict, dogmatic, cultish iteration of Christianity she can’t be trusted to be impartial. As if the Constitution expressly forbids the judiciary from creating a religious theocracy or whatever.”
Graham was consoled by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) who was also having lunch with the South Carolina senator currently in a knock-down, drag out re-election fight against a strong Democratic challenger.
“Lindsey, you are absolutely right,” Cruz said. “I was just telling my dog ugly wife the other night just before we got on the Zoom call with my dad, you know the one who helped plot to kill JFk? Anyway, I was telling Heidi, my fucking HIDEOUS wife, that I think they’re going to take her own words that she’s willing written or spoken, and use them against her. Downright evil of them.”
Across town, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) told reporters as he read aloud from his Bible that he was “similarly concerned” about how Democrats will attack Judge Barrett.
“Do we truly live in an open, free society, if someone can have their own actions held against them when they’re applying for one of the most important jobs with a lifelong tenure,” Rubio asked rhetorically. “Why is it that Democrats want us to read what she thinks, and hear what she has to say? Why are they so convinced we should consider the kind of person she is, and whether her views actually align with mainstream America?”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, the crotch of his pants stained black from his dry humping of coal, had extremely harsh words for Senate Democrats who might “seek to smear the good judge’s name” with “very accurate, verbatim quotes and video footage of her saying things.”
“I will stand here, now, on the floor of this sacred body,” McConnell said, slobber falling from his mouth, “if my friends in the Democratic caucus attempt to derail my attempt to force 70% of the country to live under the backwards belief system of the other 30% of us with facts about Judge Barrett, or with her record and own commentary, so help me God, I may not be able to stop myself. I’ll just cancel the Senate. You heard me, I’ll fuckin’ cancel it! I’m Cocaine Mitch, you fucks, and I’m loyal to me, then me, and then after me, myself. Eat all the dicks, Democrats.”
Current polling shows former Vice President Joe Biden with a double-digit lead nationally, and a growing lead in several key swing states.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.