LAKE DILDOAH, FLORIDA — Just over an hour ago, standing in front of the global headquarters for DoucheGen Labs — one of the largest biotech companies in the world — Chief Medical Research Officer Dr. Franklin Ahzyoda made a stunning announcement that, if true, could send reverberations through the local Florida and national political scene.
DoucheGen specializes in, according to their website, “developing bioengineering products and practices” that can “synthesize life forms that represent the pinnacle of dickweedery and douchebaggery.”
We can now exclusively report that Dr. Ahzyoda has made a rather remarkable claim and admission. According to Ahzyoda, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Q) is the product of work done by DoucheGen’s scientists in a laboratory. Gov. DeSantis is often compared to former President Donald Trump for his brash demeanor and hostile, combative nature with people who question his statements, demeanor, or policies. DeSantis is particularly aggressive with reporters from press outlets he feels are unfriendly to ether Trump or himself.
If what Dr. Ahzyoda claimed can be independently verified, it would give the country perhaps the deepest understanding of the relationship between Trump and DeSantis. The bond may just be far more than political, or even plutonic. In fact, Ahzyoda has effectively told the world that DeSantis and Trump are, in many ways, one in the same people.
“As many of you know, Mr. DeSantis was quite a Trumpy member of congress, and then quit that job to run for the job he has now,” Dr. Ahzyoda told reporters. “What you don’t know, is that the original Ron DeSantis has been put in a sort of Trump relocation program, and in his place we put an analogue made mostly of the former president’s shmegma. He is the world’s very first human-shemgma hybrid life form.”
According to Ahzyoda, he was contacted by the Republican National Committee on Trump’s behalf shortly before the original DeSantis announced his resignation from Congress. A deal was struck between him, Trump, and the RNC to step aside, and let DoucheGen cultivate the material they needed to create a human life form that looked like DeSantis, but was in reality a near perfect genetic match to Trump.
“I told them that I felt bad taking their money at the time. Nobody had ever taken dick cheese and made a human with it,” Ahzyoda explained today. “But, a few days later, First Lady Ivanka arrived with the material, and she said it was fresh from that morning. Now, today, I can say with deep pride that we’ve proven that you can use dick cheese to make a cheesedick. These are the things I dreamed of becoming a medical researcher to do.”
Dr. Ahzyoda says that creating DeSantis in the lab with his team is among his finest and proudest career milestones.
“Oh, we’re quite proud. Not of the things he says or does, but just of the technology we invented. Before Ron, you couldn’t use someone’s penile detritus to make another human being. Now, we can do it in about the time it takes you to play a round of golf at Mar-A-Lago.”
Gov. DeSantis’ office did not provide comment on this story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.