Entertainment trade papers are reporting that Disney Animation Studios has a new feature-length film in the works that will center around the adventures of a plucky, anthropomorphized smart phone as they attempt to update their current operating system with one that is more modern, and runs better on their hardware.
The new animated film’s central villain will be an elected official who is hellbent on keeping the smartphone’s operating system the same as it was when the phone was built more ten years prior. No matter how many people tell him it’s better for smartphones to have the operating systems that work best for them, the cartoon’s villain disagrees and wants the protagonist to live its life the way that makes people like the villain feel comfortable.
“Ron DeFlorida, who has not been cast yet, will be the latest Disney bad guy in a long line of iconic bad guys, and the entire Walt Disney animation team is excited to bring this character to life,” Disney Animation deputy media liaison Kent Kensington told investors during a teleconference this morning.
Plot details are extremely scant at this time, however Kensington referenced a classic Disney animated film to draw a comparison to this new movie.
“It’ll be like Pinocchio except a real boy will turn into a stiff, wooden puppet, controlled by campaign donations from Christofascist hate groups,” Kensington promised. “That’s DeFlorida’s origin story at this point, anyway.”
Kensington acknowledged that Disney’s new cartoon villain, while fictional, was “certainly” inspired by a living person, though he declined to name who specifically was the catalyst.
“I don’t think we’re being all that subtle here, but in order to keep certain people from throwing a tantrum and ordering Epcot invaded by the National Guard, I think it’s best if we just hint at the edges of who it is,” Kensington said. “Let’s just say, it was quite fortuitous that our real-life inspiration already acts like a cartoon villain. It’s pretty dang villainous to sign a law that makes it a crime for a third grade teacher to talk about her wife in front of her students like a heterosexual teacher might talk about her husband.”
Stopping short of naming the character’s inspiration outright, Kensington implied that whoever the character’s impetus was, they should feel some gratitude to Disney.
“If anything, certain governors of certain penile-shaped states should appreciate how much we made sure the cartoon version is just as braindead as he is,” Kensington insisted. “That way, if nothing else, he can rest assured that we’re portraying him in a truthful, if not slightly embarrassing way.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.