|The following editorial was written by Donald Trump Jr, the second most intelligent man named “Donald Trump.” Mr. Trump Jr. is an Executive Vice-President of the Trump Organization, which was indicted criminally this week along with the company’s Chief Financial Officer. The views and opinions expressed below belong to Mr. Trump Jr. and the cocaine he ingested while writing this editorial. They do not reflect those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff.
No, libtards, I’m not worried, okay? I’m not worried at all. Who’s worried? Are you telling me I’m worried? You’re not in my head; you don’t know me! You don’t know my thoughts. I AM NOT FUCKING WORRIED, OKAY?
And I’m definitely not doing all this cocaine in front of me because I’m worried, alright? No matter what anyone says, I’m definitely not hoovering up thousands of dollars in coke every day, nervously waiting to find out if Daddy’s company getting in trouble means I’m going to get in trouble too. So quit saying I am, okay! I AM NOT DOING TOO MUCH COKE! IF ANYTHING I SHOULD BE DOING MORE COKE!
In fact, now that I see you there, accusing me of doing all this cocaine I keep doing because I’m nervous about me and my dad getting indicted like the company got indicted, I’m realizing something. I’m not the one snorting too much coke and freaking out — YOU FUCKING ARE! Don’t deny it! DO NOT FUCKING DENY IT, BRO! You’re doing all the coke, and you’re the one freaking out about maybe getting indicted.
Why would I even have anything to worry about anyway? No, really. I’m asking that for reals. Can you tell me what I’d have to be worried about, because honestly I’m just a trust fund baby wasteoid loser like my old man, and I’m usually so fucking coked-up these days I can’t think or focus on much of anything at all. So it’s possible I missed something at some point and I should be worried, but all this goddamn coke is keeping me from focusing clearly on what that might be.
Then again — NO! It’s you! It’s always been you, the NEVER TRUMP HATERS, who are doing the coke! We Trumps know it’s not our bad deeds that get us in trouble, it’s all you cucks caring about our bad deeds! It’s all you assholes demanding we get “held accountable” as if that’s even a thing! FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME SOME MORE COCAINE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
I have too much important stuff to do than to sit around doing blow all day, dreading when I’m gonna get the knock on my door and see officers with handcuffs. Okay? I have, like Cameo appearances to do, and OAN interviews to film. Sure, I can and do snort coke all the time and while I’m doing those things, but the worrying about getting indicted part is totally not accurate!
Speaking of all those important things — I just noticed the pile of coke on my desk is gone, and I don’t know where it could have gone. So I have to go get some more coke now. I hope you all read this and understand how not worried I am AT ALL.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.