KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway confirmed for afterlife reporters this morning during his weekly press briefing that one of the Ten Commandments “totally applies to flags.”
“I mean, the commandment is pretty clear and straightforward, so I’m not exactly sure where the confusion some Americans are feeling comes from,” Schumway explained, “but I’ll go ahead and say it out again, sure. No other Gods before me applies to flags too.”
Over the course of the last couple of weeks, American conservatives have stepped up their criticism of those who don’t show reverence and respect for the American flag. After one Olympian protested the playing of the national anthem and turned her back on the American flag during a podium ceremony after her Olympic-qualifying event, many on the right, including Congressman Dan Crenshaw (Q-TX) demanded she be removed from the team.
Schumway called Crenshaw’s Christian credentials into question, and said that people like him “obviously don’t get it.”
“False gods are false gods. It’s pretty clear what that commandment means, and yet each year, around this time, I hear non-stop flag worship coming from the Evangelical Right,” Schumway explained, “and it’s annoying as shit. Don’t even get me started on what commandments worshiping a daughter-lusting, anti-immigrant conman as a God violates.”
Schumway suggested that “pro-MAGA Christians do some real soul searching,” but said he understands there are “certain obstacles” that might keep them from actually reading their Bibles for guidance.
“I only assume that a lot of the problems we have with the MAGA crowd stem from the fact that they’re illiterate as fuck,” God said. “Otherwise, I’d have to conclude that they just don’t care what the words in the Bible mean, only what conservative politicians and talk show hosts tell them they mean. Or that that they can read just fine, but are too stupid to comprehend what they’ve just read. At any rate, it’s time pro-MAGA Christians do some real soul searching to figure out if they really believe what’s in the Bible, or if they want to just worship a piss-haired fake billionaire instead.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.