NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On leftover official Democratic National Committee stationery she was still holding onto from the 2016 presidential election, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton sent a personal letter to Beto O’Rourke this week, urging him to “stay the course” and “let the DNC put the gun to everyone’s head” for him.
“Dear Beto, for starters, let me apologize for ignoring you. You’re not a swing state, and I had no right to do so, I’ve just been so busy lately. Anyway, it might seem that as a member of the Democratic Party that you have some kind of intrinsic duty to democracy, but that is a fool’s errand my boy,” Clinton wrote. “The most winning strategy you can employ is to sit back and accept your fated, pre-determined destiny. Unfortunately for you, you can’t use my super-persuasive campaign slogan of, ‘It’s Her Turn Next.’ But I can assure you that the DNC will find just the right way to cram you down everyone’s throat.”
Since entering the crowded 2020 field, O’Rourke has brought in a massive pile of donations to his campaign — over $6 million according to Team Beto. However, growing sentiment among Democratic voters is that his actual voting record doesn’t quite match the image of a strong, progressive crusader. Instead, O’Rourke’s background as a legislator has the same big oil and other corporate interests as so many others do. Clinton assured Mr. O’Rourke this was “nothing to worry about.”
“Please, stay the course, and let the DNC put the gun to everyone’s head for you,” Clinton admonished O’Rourke. “Rest assured, having actual progressive bonafides is absolutely nothing to worry about. At least when the machine is backing you, and right now, the machine is backing you. Nothing says liberty, independence, freedom, or choice, like being told exactly who to vote for year after year, and good Democratic voters know this, which is why they don’t actually care about Democracy so much as partisanship, thank God.”
Secretary Clinton tells O’Rourke he has “a lot to run on” and that he should “set all that aside and just take what [he] is entitled to.”
“Without a doubt you win on the Not Donald Trump front, and you should definitely consider that an asset,” Clinton explains. “However, I wouldn’t waste too much time trying to earn peoples’ votes. We’re in a two party system, so you can just hip pocket the votes you want, and surely everything else will fall into order.”
Ms. Clinton reiterates several times that “no matter how it might feel like you’re going to fall short,” O’Rourke should let the DNC force him on voters because it’s a “winning strategy.”
“Should you worry that you couldn’t even beat the politician equivalent of rectal warts? Maybe. But, on the other hand, think about it, Beto. This was the exact same strategy they used for me, and someone won that election,” Clinton writes. “Something tells me that same strategy will work the exact same way this time around, and someone will win again!”
The Beto O’Rourke campaign was too busy doing a Facebook live event from a truck stop bathroom stall to officially comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.