BEDFORD FORREST, ALABAMA — Former Attorney General and Confederate monument model Jeff Sessions held one of Alabama’s two seats in the U.S. Senate for ten years. Prior to that, Mr. Sessions had been Alabama’s Attorney General for a couple of years, and prior to that he had been a U.S. attorney from the same state. Mr. Sessions tenure as the top lawyer in the country didn’t end with much grace, as he was very publicly forced out by President Donald Trump, who constantly attacked Sessions for recusing himself from the FBI investigation into Russian efforts to subvert Trump’s presidential campaign and help him win the election against Hillary Clinton.
Sessions was replaced at the Department of Justice by William Barr, a man who Trump has treated, effectively, like his own personal attorney. Some have wondered when or if Sessions would return to a more public role. He answered those questions himself this week when he announced that he was going to challenge Doug Jones, the Democrat who took his seat in the Senate after defeating Judge Roy Moore — a Republican with a rather well-known taste for younger female companionship — to take Sessions’ seat when he became Trump’s AG.
Perhaps acknowledging that some Alabama Republicans might not Trust Sessions, given his on again-off again, hot and cold running relationship with the Commander in Chief, Sessions spoke at a prayer breakfast this morning in Alabama, and seemed to make an effort to address some of those very concerns.
“Folks, now, let me tell you something, right off the bat. I’m still the lovable old cookie bakin’ racist elf you knew and loved so much before I went and did the whole Attorney General thing,” Sessions told congregants of the First Baptist Church of the Confederacy today. “I’ll never stop being automatically suspect of brown-skinned people. I’ll never stop trying to spread the word that marijuana is literally the most dangerous subject on the planet, and here’s one other secret I’ll let y’all in on, okay? I still kinda like the taste of Donald Trump’s dick…mostly, anyway.”
Not only does Sessions still “enjoy some good ol’ fashioned Trump dong” from time to time, he also told those in attendance that he’s “still faithful to the Old Time Religion.”
“You know what I mean, folks. I stand proudly in defense of good, clean, American cultures and traditions,” Sessions said. “Traditions like warming your neighbor’s lawn with a gorgeous cross burning. Or refusing to acknowledge the dignity and humanity of LGTBQ people, you know, because of God. I promise you, I’m just as racist and bigoted now as I was before Trump, and he ain’t ever gonna make me change, no matter, no how.”
Former Attorney General Sessions also promised to be a “leader of the times.”
“And of course I mean the times of the 19th century, prior to the Civil War, or as we call it down here, ‘Lincoln’s War of Agression,'” Sessions said, his hand over his heart. “I will push for not only repealing all the efforts made in states to legalize marijuana, I will push for the extra-criminalization of it. I won’t rest until smoking a doober, as the kids are calling them these days, carries with it a penalty of capital punishment. There is no way to keep our kids off weed without killing a few as an example to the rest of them.”
Sessions promised to “stick faithfully by” the president in all matters, too.
“The best way to stick by him is to get behind him, believe it or not,” Sessions admitted. “He’s really quite fond of people latching onto his backside with their lips, and if you send me back to D.C. to represent you, I promise you my lips will never leave that man’s ass. Unless, of course, I’m moving them to the front, to give him the Ivanka Special, as he called it many late nights in the Oval.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.