WACO, TEXAS — Ken Starr became a household name while he was the Republican-picked special counsel investigating President Bill Clinton during the infamous Monica Lewinsky affair.
President Clinton was at the time just the third president to ever be put through a formal impeachment investigation, and Republicans argued at the time that his lies about personal, consensual, sexual encounters to a grand jury were impeachable offenses, worthy of sending a legitimately elected president packing. Mr. Clinton was impeached by Newt Gingrich’s House, but acquitted in the Senate. It’s long been regarded as settled fact that the impeachment of Clinton helped paved the way to the GOP losing control of Congress in 2000.
The argument that Mr. Starr made back in 1997, in his report on the relationship between Lewinsky and Clinton, was that justice had been obstructed when Mr. Clinton lied about the oral sex favor he received from Ms. Lewinsky. Along with the Republicans who hired him, Starr found that since Clinton had lied to a grand jury about the hummer Lewinsky gave him, Clinton should be impeached and removed from office, before his corrupting influence could further erode the public’s faith in the presidency.
Yesterday, being interviewed on conservative talk radio, Starr indicated that he didn’t think there was a case that President Donald Trump obstructed justice, even after the report produced by FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller seemed to document nearly a dozen instances of the president attempting to impede the investigation. Starr also said he “can’t find it in the Constitution where colluding with a foreign government is worse than getting a blowie from someone who wants to blow you.” Starr said that until Democrats can prove President Trump engaged in the same kinds of sexual activities with interns that Clinton did, their case against him is “invalid.”
While speaking to WKKK-AM’s Skip Saladino, Mr. Starr pointed to a “stunning lack” of a key component that he was was “integral to the case against President Clinton.”
“Blowjobs,” Mr. Starr said, “there is an absolutely stunning lack of blowjobs in this case. How can Democrats make any kind of sound argument that Trump obstructed justice, or tried to use the power of his office for personal gain, when there isn’t a single, solitary allegation that he got a personal sexual favor from a consenting adult?”
Starr explained to the radio host that while it appears Trump “may have tried to impede an FBI investigation into his campaign,” the fact that Trump wasn’t getting a blowjob at the time is a “deal breaker.” Starr insisted that Trump literally standing on the White House lawn and asking China to investigate Joe Biden was “probably just a joke,” but even if it wasn’t, Trump couldn’t be impeached for it, “unless an intern was knobbing his toadstool simultaneously.”
“The math on this is really easy to follow,” Starr said. “Blowjob in the Oval Office, plus a Democratic president, equals impeachment. You take away any part of that equation, and your answer becomes simple — you cannot impeach him.”
Mr. Starr also pointed to a little-known section of the Constitution that deals with impeachment. In it, Starr claims, language exists that changes “high crimes and misdemeanors” as the constitutional bar for an impeachable offense to “high crimes and misdemeanors while getting a blowjob.”
“I just feel that breaking the law and trying to influence an FBI investigation by itself isn’t obstruction,” Starr said, “but add in the component of oral, and you’ve got a recipe for impeachment pie.”
Starr cautioned Democrats not to go looking for a blowjobs in Trump’s actions, either with the call to the Ukrainian president, or his attempt to get China to dig up dirt on Biden from the White House lawn.
“Because that special language in the Constitution also specifically says only Democrats can actually be impeached,” Starr said.
Mr. Starr was careful not to insinuate that he had any evidence to exonerate President Trump, as well. He mentioned that while he hasn’t seen any evidence of “elicit” oral sex, a recent cabinet meeting that garnered a lot of publicity showed that “someone’s always sucking him off in that administration.”
“To be fair, after watching that cabinet meeting it’s clear that a lot of people are sucking Trump’s dick,” Starr said, “but if it’s not an adult intern, then I just don’t see how it rises to the same level as Clinton.”
Ultimately, Starr says that if the blowjob dearth doesn’t torpedo the impeachment case against Trump, something else will.
“This whole thing apparently has nothing to do with Benghazi,” Starr said, “and as we all know, blowjobs and Benghazi are literally the only things that matter to good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, American patriots.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.