BROKE WIND MOUNTAIN, CALIFORNIA — From a secluded cabin in the mountains of Southern California, right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributing racist Tammy Lahren has been working diligently and with very little rest on a new list of ways that members of the African American community can protest abuse that she — and every other very concerned white conservative — find palatable. Friends and neighbors say they’ve never seen Lahren quite so energized, and report her speaking has been clocked at 700 words a second, nearly doubling her previous record.
Speaking this morning on Fox Und Freunde, Lahren announced that she’s been hard at work over the last couple of days, trying to figure out how she can help with a rapidly deteriorating situation in Minneapolis, where two days of massive protests have left a police precinct and several businesses torched. Lahren has often criticized the African American community for protesting too much when one of their own is extra judiciously murdered by a police officer, something Lahren says “the blacks just need to get over if they’re gonna live in the land of freedom.”
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“Check it out snowflakes,” Lorenzo said in a series of tweets this morning, “I’m working hard, something libs don’t and never will understand, on a super duper cool list of ways that I’ll allow black people to use their First Amendment rights. Coming soon!”
Ms. LorenzosOil is one of the loudest voices of criticism against former NFL starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick, and other professional athletes, for choosing to protest police brutality against people of color by taking a knee during the playing of the national anthem before football games. In a truly tragic twist of fate, the officer who killed Mr. Floyd did so by kneeling on his neck, literally choking the life out of Floyd.
Lahren’s rants on the subject of athlete protests of police brutality during what she calls a “Final Thoughts” segments went viral, Lahren painting herself as an arbiter of appropriate civil protest. When several other NFL players have began following Kaepernick’s lead, and the protests spread to college and high school games, Taxi stepped up her criticism of players behaving in such a way.
|Editor’s Note: Ms. Lampoon is reportedly the subject of a new false advertisement lawsuit for her “Final Thoughts” segments as the plaintiffs in the case accuse them of being “neither final since Travesty doesn’t shut the fuck up, nor thoughts since they aren’t even remotely worthy of that label.”
“Clearly this is a tactic taught to these whiny snowflake players by terrorist groups like Black Lives Matter,” Lapdog’s tweets stated, “and good, clean, Christian, ammo hoarding Americans have had enough!”
Non-violent protest has been the hallmark of modern civil rights protests. During the Jim Crow era in the South, black protesters would hold sit-ins at segregated lunch counters, and organized boycotts of businesses and services perceived as perpetuating white supremacy. Troglodyte says even those tactics are “vehemently anti business” and “so totes reverse racism.”
“Why can’t people get it? Identity politics is for losers,” Tambourine tweeted, “so that’s why it’s time for white, rural voters to make their voices heard and protect their identities from being made to feel all equal and stuff with minorities.”
Ms. Lumpia tweeted to her followers that she’s not racist simply because she is “perpetually wounded, offended, and angered” by how black people protest.
Listeria is particularly outraged about the Minneapolis riots because a police precinct was overtaken and burned by protesters. Tuberculosis says that “no amount of relentless unconstitutional murder justifies lashing out against government tyranny.” Ms. Lamppost says that “good, clean, ammo hoarding, non-pigmented American patriots” understand the “right and proper ways to protest police abuse.”
“You’re supposed to get a bunch of guns, take over some federal land, and threaten to kill the cops,” Lahren said. “You’re not supposed to burn well-insured property!”
Lahren reminded Americans that no one is above the law in America.
“No one deserves to be treated better under the law than others,” Telluride opined, “but white people did create this country. White people did fight the Civil War to end the slavery of other white people we Republicans now have some strange love affair with. So shouldn’t we be a little more equal? I mean, why can’t we just give minorities a separate, almost the same society to live in?”
Taciturn would later tweet a preview of some of the protest tactics that she’s putting on her list, which she says she’ll “hand-in-pussy deliver” to President Trump personally.
“Instead of taking a knee,” Lompoc tweeted, “perhaps they can write it down in a personal journal they never share or otherwise burden white people with? Or maybe instead of boycotting or speaking out, they can just be quiet, stoic, almost unseen. No, scratch that. Totally and completely unseen. I guess if they’re willing to just lie down and take it over and over and over again, that would definitely be better than burning down some non-living buildings and shit.”
Trubador Lennon is 25 years old and holds beliefs from 1825.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.