WASHINGTON. D.C. — The White House announced today that President Donald Trump’s outside legal team is preparing paperwork to be filed in federal court, bringing a lawsuit to bear against the literal U.S. Constitution. Trump’s team, which reportedly just brought former Rep. Trey Gowdy — a Republican who headed up multiple fruitless multimillion dollar congressional investigations into former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton over the Benghazi terror attack — and apparently suing the Constitution itself was one of the first suggestions Mr. Gowdy made to the team.
“This morning, I advised the team that we should be bold. I told them we should take strong, swift action,” Gowdy told reporters at a local convenience store in his hometown. “So I told them to draft a lawsuit for immediate filing, and that we were gonna sue the living hell out of the Constitution for giving unconstitutional impeachment powers to Democrats.”
Gowdy was quick to point out that the suit does not allege that all impeachment powers are unconstitutional, just the ones used by Democrats.
“When we were trying to get enough dirt to impeach the Previous Black Administration, that was different,” Gowdy insisted. “It was different because he was a Democrat, and we were Republicans. We all know that since conservative Republicans are the only real, true, Americans, they’re the only ones allowed to impeach a president.”
Mr. Gowdy spoke of the “long, storied history of impeachment” and how it was only ever used “correctly” when Republicans were impeaching Democrats.
“Andrew Johnson was a Democrat, and he got impeached, properly,” Gowdy said. “He didn’t get convicted in the Senate, but he was still a Democrat who got impeached. Same thing with Mr. Hillary Clinton. He was a Democrat, and he got impeached, and so that was all proper and well and good. But this notion that impeachment is something Democrats can use AGAINST a Republican? Hogwash. And we’re going to force the courts to rule on this very important question.”
Gowdy concedes that “technically” the Constitution doesn’t make any mention of which political party can or cannot use impeachment. However, he argues that “years and years of talk radio rants” have created a “new legal paradigm.” Gowdy says this new precedent “clearly states” Republicans are the only ones allowed to use the powers of impeachment.
“I ask you this — would Rush Limbaugh have spent all those years ranting and raving like a lunatic if he wasn’t right,” Gowdy asked. “Would Sean Hannity, beautiful, sweet, super-intelligent Seanny Boy, spend night after night, show after show, educating viewers on how the only real American patriots are Republicans if it weren’t completely and utterly legally and factually true? Don’t answer that question, but just let me stand here, shaking my head knowingly and crossing my arms like I just shut down literally all debate on all topics with this absolute nugget of genius I just dropped on y’all.”
Gowdy stood there, arms crossed, shaking his head knowingly like he’d just ended all debate on all topics ever.
“We understand this is a bold and unforeseen move. We understand this might seem crazy to people who don’t understand how dangerous it is to try and hold a Republican president accountable,” Gowdy said. “But this reminds me of George W. Bush’s presidency. The loony left tried to imply he should’ve been impeached because he lied us into a war that cost thousands and thousands of people their lives, but here we are years later and Ellen DeGeneres is cozying up to him, and I have every reason to believe in 20 years she’ll cozy up to the Trumps, so let’s just quit this charade and get back to the business of turning this country into a theocratic plutocracy, fam!”
Former Rep. Gowdy says it is “folly in the extreme” to presume the founders didn’t have a political preference as to who should be allowed to impeach whom.
“I am quite sure that James Madison would never want a libtard having power. I have as much evidence for that assertion as I did that Hillary was behind Benghazi,” Gowdy said. “So let that soak in a bit, okay? I will protect this dimwitted, grossly corrupt, self-evidently unfit man so that 30% of America doesn’t feel even stupider for electing the literally worst person in history to be president. For two reasons: protecting the unborn before we ship them off to war or force them into a life of servitude to the rich, and again, BEN-FRICKING-GHAZI!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.