WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) can be counted among the elected Republicans who want to re-open the country’s economy up despite the fact the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak has not crested in all fifty states yet. However, according to Senator Graham, he’s also not too keen to return back to work in the Senate next week when it opens back up, as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has said he intends to do.
“Look, I think we can open the economy back up. Particularly I think we can in the blue states, because we know that we need those wacky, loony, pot smoking, baby killing hippie libtard commie cucks’ federal tax dollars for poor-ass Trump states to have any quality of life,” Graham told WKKK Talk Radio host Chip Chatterly this morning. “It’s just that I think when it comes to the lives of elected leaders, we need to be a little more cautious.”
Graham said he understands that he and his fellow senators can wear masks, stay six feet apart, and wash their hands regularly to help combat the spread of the novel coronavirus. However, the South Carolina Republican worries that McConnell “hasn’t taken certain factors into consideration.” Specifically, Graham says that he and other key congressional Republicans are having some difficulties securing face masks that will stay on their faces.
“I was talking to Devin Nunes the other day on the Kushner back channel we use to keep snoopin’ enemies of the people out of our conversations,” Graham explained, “and he told me he was going through a similar thing I was. So far, neither one of us have found a single face mask that will fit snugly over our faces with the president’s balls in the way.”
According to Senator Graham, starting last month he contacted more than a dozen different textile and clothing manufacturers. He was looking for a company that offered a mask he could fit over his face, even with President Trump’s genitals and/or anus directly in front of his mouth. Despite all the calls he made, however, he’s no closer to finding a suitable mask than he was when he began his search.
“Chip, let me tell you, this has been one of the hardest things in my life for me to do. Harder even than the complete 180 I’ve done on President Trump since he took office and John McCain died,” Graham said. “Hell, I even considered for a very brief moment in time that I should just use the president’s crotch as my face mask, but a lot of my doctor friends have told me that his balls won’t make a good barrier against disease because they’re his balls and probably diseased anyway, and also they’re always in my mouth, so I’m constantly licking whatever germs they do have on them regardless.”
Graham has a plan, though, to minimize his exposure to illness by way of Trump’s scrotal appendage.
“I’m definitely going to start using a Clorox wipe on his balls before I put them in my mouth,” Graham announced. “That’s publicly or privately. If I’m gonna be gargling his nuts, I want to make sure they’re as clean as they can be.”
Senator Graham says that if he’s unable to locate the right mask for the job by next week, he still plans to show up to the Senate, ready to work. However, he is nervous about having to tell the president he can’t kiss his ass, fluff his nads, or suck him off until he does find such a mask. Graham says he’s “willing to move heaven and earth” to locate a mask that will protect him even when President Trump’s penis is as far into Graham’s mouth as it will fit, thanks to the laws of physics.
“Luckily for me, it’s only about an additional two to three inches of fabric that I need to cover him and my face,” Graham said. “So I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I find a mask manufacturer who is looking to corner a niche market like mine.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.