COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is convinced that President Donald Trump is right about the kinds of people the Mexican government sends to the United states to emigrate illegally.
Because of this belief, Bohiggins is against immigration reform, and he believes that the government of Mexico is performing what he and many other conservative Republicans call a “silent invasion from the South,” and that the invasion is also being perpetrated in popular culture. Hot off the heels of his attack on the Taco Bell in his small Tennessee town, Bohiggins now has sights set on another fast food restaurant, but this one with a Spanish name, and he is prepared to “fight tooth and nail” to get the business name changed and, “expose the Crazy Chicken for what it is,” a front operation for Mexico’s invasion of the U.S.
“We talk English here in America, and it’s an affront to all my family who died serving this country in General Lee’s army to have a Mexican name on your American business,” Jethro told us as he picketed outside the local El Pollo Loco. “I have the same problem with this El Paul-O Lock-O place as I do with Taco Bell — transparency. I don’t trust nothin’ I can’t read and understand in my own linguistical language.”
While he rather enjoyed the grilled chicken, Bohiggins was angry that he was offered “tor-till-yas and sal-sah vurdee” instead of “good old fashioned American white bread and barbecue sauce.” That, said Jethro, was a major tip-off that something wasn’t quite right.
“If you can’t even write your menu in English,” Bohiggins said, “then how can I trust you’re not putting secret Mexican codes in it? I see a word like ‘gucamole’ and all I see is ‘mole’ which means someone is here spying on us.”
Mr. Bohiggins says he plans to sue the owners of the particular franchise in Cold Cave Hills to change the name of their restaurant to The Crazy Chicken.
In papers filed with the court, Jethro claims he was “irrevocolobalalaly harmed by having to read Mexican words” when he “expected to walk into a normal American chicken place with normal American names for their dishes.”
Jethro’s attorney asks in the brief, “If we are to be forced to live in a country where we might have to put up with things in Mexican, what kind of country do we live in? If it inconveniences one single, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriot to see those non-American words, should not those words be stripped away?”
“Why can’t you call it crazy in American? Is it because Crazy Chicken is some kind of Mexican code word, and you’re planning on invading us silently through illegal immigration,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “What exactly is a burrito? Is that Mexican for ‘they’re all asleep, come over the border and rape and murder and do drugs in front of their children?'”
Jethro says that he “doesn’t care” that statistics show that net migration from Mexico has been flat for years, he is “dead convinced” those statistics are lies and he says “the fact that places like The Crazy Chicken are trying to hide their intentions in plain sight, behind foreign languages” proves that something is amiss, and he “will not rest” until “all covert signs of Mexicanocity” are removed from his small Tennessee town.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.