WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, the United States has suffered 83, 115 fatalities as a result of complications from COVID-19 infections. This, despite the fact that President Donald Trump was telling Americans as late as February of this year that Americans didn’t have much to worry about when it came to a pandemic outbreak of the virus. Now, more Americans have died as a result of COVID-19 than died in the Vietnam War.
President Trump, so forcefully angry that he could not stop farting, told reporters on the White House lawn today that he’s “upset and sad” by all the deaths. He also said, however, that he’s “starting to wonder” whether the deaths are being reported as accurately as they should be. It’s not that he disputes the number of deaths, per se, Trump said.
It’s that he doesn’t think the “kinds of people who are dying” are being reported on, and he wants an investigation into why that is. The president appeared to accuse the Americans who have already succumbed to the virus of being against him politically. Trump believes a “substantial portion were Never-Trumpers,” a term he uses to describe anyone who didn’t want him elected in 2016.
“I’m sorry, but I just have to say this — what’s with all the Never-Trumpers dying? They’re obviously trying to make me look bad,” President Trump suggested this morning. “Otherwise, they could just keep living. But no! They have to go and try to do the WORST POLITICAL HIT JOB ON A PRESIDENT EVER by getting the Democrat Hoax and then dying from it! We all know I never look bad all on my own, due to my own incompetence and comical ability to stuff my own stupid head all the way inside my own colon. RUDE.”
Trump argued that “you can tell” the majority of people dying in the U.S. from COVID-19 are doing so to spite him because as the death toll climbs, it further highlights his earlier predictions that were much lower.
“Everyone knows I’d have handled this crisis with less incompetence and stupidity if people weren’t making me look bad by dying,” Trump howled into the spring morning air. “We all know that if it makes me look bad it’s either fake news or part of a Never-Trump, Crooked Hillary, Obamagate, Ukraine corruption coup! So it would really only make sense that all these people who died did it to get at me, politically. They’re all Never Trumpers now, anyway, because they can’t vote.”
The president has directed Rudy Giuliani to immediately “get to the bottom” of the issue, and he’s instructed Giuliani to bring in former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who Trump pardoned last year.
“Arpaio was busy still looking for Obama’s real birth certificate, but I think this is a better use of his time, frankly,” Trump explained. “We’ll eventually find Obama’s birth certificate when one of my incel followers forges it and uploads it to 4chan anyway. It’s much more bigly important for us to figure out how many COVID deaths are Never Trumpers, and I won’t let Joe and Rudy rest until they figure all that out for me.”
Trump announced that he was creating a third coronavirus task force, this one led by Attorney General William Barr. The president has ordered Barr to arrest any Never Trumpers who died from COVID and send them all to Guantanamo Bay, where they’ll be interrogated by Q-Anon. Reportedly, Pulitzer Prize Never-winning journalists Mike Thernovich and Jack “Looking for Strange Pussy on Bumble With a Pregnant Wife at Home” Posobiec couldn’t reached for comment because the news of the new task force made them so hard in their crotches, all the blood was gone from the rest of their bodies and they fell into comas.
“Billy Barr will bring all those dead Never-Trumpers to justice,” Trump shouted as he farted his way back into the White House for another marathon session of sweaty rage tweeting and KFC bucket inhalation.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.