A new trove of emails from former, one-term, twice permanently impeached, never won the popular vote President Donald Trump indicate he was so desperate to cling to power that he directed his Department of Justice to seek “alternative methods” for him to remain in the Oval Office. One of the emails Trump sent to Attorney General Bill Barr demanded that the DOJ file a lawsuit against, as Trump put it, “every American, loser or otherwise,” who voted for President Joe Biden last November.
“Billy, the time has come,” Trump’s email states. “Apparently, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Arizona are being stubborn, and refuse to let me tell them how many votes I won by. We’re in talks with Mikey Flynn, Mo-Mo Brooks, and the Proud Boys about doing something more drastic in a few weeks, when those cucks on the Hill certify Biden’s election, but I think you know what we need to do. It’s time for Order 69.”
Trump then explained what Order 69 entails.
“Sue them. Wipe them out. All of them,” Trump commanded. “Every American, loser or otherwise, must be financially punished for voting for Joe Biden. They didn’t have that right. They should have consulted with me, their God Emperor President King, and then I would have told him who they could legally vote for. I’m bigly disappointed in so many people right now. But you can help me right this ship, Billy!”
The reply back from former Attorney General Barr is polite in tone, but firm in his denial of Trump’s command.
“Mr. President,” Barr begins, “I feel you, dawg. I do. Having to respect the will of the people is so damn cucky. I wish we could just say you feel like you won, and that means you won, but apparently those idiotic plebs out there still believe in self-governance! I’m afraid I can’t sue every American who voted against you. But I can come right over and wrist you off a salty. LMK KIT SSS!”
At the time of publication, Joe Biden was still Donald Trump’s president.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.