FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told various gun manufacturers on a conference call this morning that he blames former President Barack Obama for a “large portion” of the issues facing the country during the coronavirus pandemic outbreak. LaPierre believes that the Obama administration “confiscated and took away” so many Americans’ guns during his eight years in office that it left most of the country “completely unable to ward off the coronavirus.”
“As everyone outside the lamestream, libtarded media can attest,” LaPierre told everyone on the call, “previous black Democrat administrations literally wanted to end the Second Amendment and force everyone into FEMA camps to get gay marriages and abortions against their will. Luckily, we at the NRA held their feet to the fire and stopped that from happening. But they still managed to confiscate, as far as our estimates show, close to a badillion, if not a squintillion, guns from probably law-abiding citizens.”
LaPierre said that Obama’s confiscation efforts likely put the United States “behind COVID-19’s dangerous eight ball.”
“You also all know, as good, clean, ammo hoarding, self-righteous, Christian American Patriots, that the only way to stop a bad guy is with a gun,” LaPierre continued. “Now, I know that COVID-19 isn’t a person, per se, and so perhaps not a ‘guy,’ but it’s certainly bad. And therefore, ergo, it only stands to reason that Americans would stand a much better chance against the coronavirus if they had all their guns back that Obama took from them, leaving us behind COVID-19’s dangerous eight ball.”
Accusations that Obama had plans to take away Americans’ guns were so rampant during his administration that one outlet started tracking how many guns were confiscated each week, in its “Obama Gun Confiscation Count” publications. It’s unlikely that LaPierre relied on their statistics, however, because despite dozens of weeks of tracking, The Political Garbage Chute never located the first gun Obama took from an American citizen, much less more than that. Mr. LaPierre, however, seemed convinced on the call that Obama had personally taken millions upon millions of guns away.
In order to “give Americans a fighting chance” against the virus, LaPierre said this week he will lobby President Trump directly.
“I plan to seek the president’s ear and get his buy-in on a stimulus package of our own,” LaPierre announced. “If they can give all that money to the Poors, they can surely be generous to those of us who work on the frontlines. No, not police officers. No! Not firefighters. GUN MANUFACTURERS. Congress needs to give our wonderful gun manufacturers at least twice as much as they give any other business. Why? Because the Constitution doesn’t protect your right to buy a Big Mac, but it does protect your right to own the kind of weapon you need to murder the McDonald’s worker who forgets to give you the extra large, instead of the large, fries. Amen.”
LaPierre was referring to the massive coronavirus stimulus that Congress passed and Trump signed last week. Prior reporting revealed that Trump believes America’s working class now “owes [him] bigly.”
“There, that’s done, thank God,” Trump could be heard telling Meadows. “You know what I wanna everyone now, Mark? I wanna round ’em all up, get them out of their disgusting little hovels, wipe the dirt and poor person grime off their faces, and look ’em dead in the eyes. Then I wanna say to them, ‘Okay you poor little shits, you get your check. Now go die for capitalism, and more importantly, my re-election.’” (Political Garbage Chute)
According to LaPierre, he expects to have heard back from Trump on his own stimulus request sometime next week.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.