NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Overnight, the New York Attorney General announced that she had found significant evidence the Trump Organization perpetrated a massive, decades-long real estate tax avoidance scheme. AG Letitia James further announced that she was filing a motion that, if granted, would compel Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, and former First Lady Ivanka Trump to testify before a grand jury that was convened to determine if the family business should be charged with criminal fraud among a host of other crimes.
In court documents made public, James divulged that Eric Trump, the fifth smartest of his father’s crotch fruit, decided to take advantage of his Fifth Amendment protections and declined to answer over 500 of her office’s questions, under oath. The Fifth Amendment prevents someone from being forced to give testimony that could incriminate them. However, one question in particular stood out as being a bit of a head scratcher as to why Eric would not answer it.
“Mr. Eric Trump decided that over five hundred times it was safer for him to not answer than to answer our questions,” assistant Attorney General Bart Mahart told reporters this morning. “That’s of course his right, but it was quite eyebrow raising when he wouldn’t even spell his name for the record.”
A copy of the court transcript, provided by Mr. Mahart, is reprinted below.
|PROSECUTOR: Please state your name for the record.
ERIC TRUMP: Eric Trump, son of King God President Daddy I.
PROSECUTOR: And that’s your legal name?
ET: No, just the “Eric Trump” part, actually.
PROSECUTOR: Okay, great. Can you please spell your name for the record?
ET: I, uh. Umm. Wait a second, I need to comfort with my legal counsel, please and thank you.
Witness leans over and whispers with his attorney.
ET: Sir, I am going to go ahead and insert my Fifth Amendment Privileges against recriminalizing myself, please and thank you.
PROSECUTOR: So you’re…you’re refusing to spell your name?
ET: …and it’s not because I’m not good with letters or shapes or numbers! It’s not because I don’t know how to spell it! It’s because if I don’t spell it right, President Daddy won’t let me have ice cream after dinner again! AND I WANT ICE CREAM AFTER DINNER, DADDY!
The Trump Organization could not be reached to provide comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.