HELL, ETERNITY — Bob “Satan” McGee has issued a new mask mandate that applies to all unvaccinated, pro-MAGA residents of Hell.
“We’re starting to see another uptick of MAGAs moving in, and a lot of them are dying with COVID again, which is particularly stupid given they have a damn vaccine for it,” Satan announced during a townhall with hellions this week. “In order to protect everyone who lives in Hell, we’re going to ask all unvaccinated MAGAs to wear a mask. And by ask, I mean demand. If you thought Joe Biden politely asking you to mask up or get vaxxed was tyranny, you have no idea what’s in store for you from my end.”
Satan admitted that he wasn’t happy about having to reinstate mask mandates, and would have rather kept the souls entrapped in Hell safe from COVID-19 in a different way. However, the legal agreement he signed with Larry “God” Schumway explicitly states he must take in anyone who dies and is judged to be worthy of spending eternity in Hell.
“I mean, my job’s shitty enough as it is, and I’m already full to the brim with Nixons, Reagans, and Bushes,” Satan said. “So if it were up to me I wouldn’t let any MAGAs in, regardless of their vaccination status. I don’t really want to be sued by God for breach of contract though. So the best way to keep that contract valid, and to protect everyone else from the unvaccinated MAGA fucks, is to make them wear masks.”
The mask mandate is expected to be in place for the foreseeable future. However, Satan said he’s got some plans that might allow the mandate to expire.
“I’m in talks with Schumway right now about making a second Hell, just for the unvaccinated dipshits,” Satan announced. “It’ll be like Gitmo, except, you know, DumbAsShitMo.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.