One year ago, a man moved into the permanent residents’ area of Hell, one of the afterlife’s oldest apartment complexes. Since that day, Satan — Hell’s superintendent — says that life has been a “topsy-turvy mix” of good and bad, but that he’s at least “learning to adjust” to having such an unwelcome tenant.
“You know, when Larry and I made the arrangements for me to be this place’s super, I knew I was getting the shittiest end of the shittiest stick. He was going to get all the cool, nice people, and I was going to get stuck with, well, the Rush Fucking Limbaughs of the human race,” Satan told us in a Skype call earlier today.
“There’s this great pop culture joke about how Hell is actually where all the rockers, comedians, and generally cool as shit people end up. I hate to break it to you, but that’s just a joke. In fact, I regularly get handed the absolute dregs of society, the worst of the worst. The Jerry Falwells and Richard Nixons. I even have both the Reagans and all the dead Bushes.”
As bad as things usually are around Hell, Satan says they initially got “infinitely worse” the day Limbaugh died and was assigned his studio apartment in Hell.
“I knew it was going to be a rough transition when he got up the first morning and started doing his radio show, which now that he doesn’t have to worry about decent people hearing, is even more disgusting,” Satan divulged. “I mean, I’m the literal incarnation of all things evil and bad, and even I don’t think mocking homeless people or AIDS patients is funny, but Rush sure does.”
Satan attempted to renegotiate his employment contract with Larry “God” Schumway after about three months of Limbaugh’s stay in Hell. The Dark Prince had his request denied rather quickly, however.
“Larry just laughed right in my face. He told me there’s nowhere in the known or unknown universes that he could send Rush, because literally nobody wanted him there. Not even the universe where it’s just cancer and diarrhea floating around in a dumpster full of rotting garbage,” Satan said. “Limbaugh was too toxic even for that universe!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.