FARTBUCKET SPRINGS, MINNESOTA — A man impersonating the President of the United States gave a speech today, and during the oratory he was standing behind a lectern with the real seal of the presidency.
“Blah blah blah,” the fat, odious, malcontent, illegitimately installed protofascist dictator and alleged billionaire shouted at everyone listening, despite microphones being placed right in front of his fat face. “Blah blah, Crooked H this, yadda yadda Bob Mueller’s angry Democrat witch hunt coup that totally exonerated me, yadda yadda, blah blah!”
The crowd roared its delight right on cue, and a few thousand treats were flung into the air with massive catapults, sending the man’s supporters scrambling to pick one up and shove it in their face.
“Racist talking point this! Xenophobic talking point that,” the unctuous twatwaffle of a D-list reality TV star half-mumbled, half-shouted. “Law and order, blah blah blah, ignore the Constitution bing-bang-boom, black guy no longer president, yibbity bibbity boobo bee!”
Again, the crowd roared with delight.
“Fear mongering! Empty platitude followed by bumper sticker level intellectualism,” the bulging sack of bilious stupidity and spoiled, entitled tantrums obnoxiously screamed. “Fake news media, blah blah blah, shoot a man on 5th Avenue and rape a woman on Broadway, yadda blah you get the picture, right?!”
Once more, the tiny handed, bemushroomed penised man’s supporters let out a cry of support. They were loving every minute of it. They not completely understand the speech’s transcript the next day, but most of them can only read well enough to recognize the “(R)” next to a candidate’s name on a ballot, so that wouldn’t concern most of them.
“Don’t forget! Blah blah, Republican Party, yadda yadda, twelve million angry illegal Mexicans,” the man who has lustful feelings about his own offspring told the crowd. “Hip-hop-scoop-poop-coup! HIP-HOP-SCOOP-POOP-COUP!”
The roar from the crowd was quite deafening.
“Foamy mouthed tirade! Guns! Christianity! Two genders,” the porcine presidential impersonator shouted. “Blah! Blahblah! Blahblahblahblah! And don’t forget: TAX CUTS!!!!!”
He was really on a roll now.
“Born in Kenya! Why can’t we say the N-word too? Social media is censoring the cyber,” the man with a mangled pecker yelled with a ferocious intensity. “Dumb cabinet officials, even dumber kids bleeding the taxpayers dry! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY: MAGA!”
The walls were shaking. The rafters were rattling. It was a scene many politicians wish they could orchestrate.
“Russia’s cool and our friend! Kim Jong-Un does a lot of stuff I wish I could,” the man told his ravenous audience to huge applause. “BLAH BLAH AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BLACK PEOPLE ARE NATURALLY MORE INCLINED TO VIOLENCE AND LITERALLY EVERY IMMIGRANT HATES FREEDOM!”
The cheer rose and rose and rose. For the next ten minutes, the man pretending to be president just stood behind the lectern, stroking his microscopic fallus from within his pant pocket. This was a moment he’d not soon forget.
“THANK YOU! God Bless the Republican Party, God Bless America, I guess, and most importantly,” the man said, “GOD BLESS ME!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”