AUSTIN, TEX-ASS — Governor Greg Abbott of Texas filed a pair of lawsuits today, aimed at punishing school districts who, according to the court documents, “get all socialist commie Democrat about protecting kids.” Abbott filed a legal challenge to stop the Dallas school district from enforcing a mask mandate to fight COVID-19 and its delta variant, but he also filed a suit against San Augusto School District for using crossing guards in front of their schools.
“This is Texas. And here in the Lone Star State there ain’t nothin’ more sacred than personal liberty,” Abbott’s suit states, “and therefore, we hereby sue the dick out of San Augusto School District for its autocratic decision to take away the right to get hit by oncoming traffic from students, and more importantly, their parents.”
Abbott’s suit contends that if a parent wants to put their kid in harm’s way, the government has no right to stop them.
“We’re not talking about protecting a developing lump of cells from an abortion, here. We’re discussing whether any governmental agency has the right to rob parents of their ability to decide whether to let their kid play a deadly game of chicken every day before school.”
While the San Augusto School District has issued a written statement defending their use of crossing guards as a “good, common sense way to protect students from preventable harm,” Abbott responded by calling that defense “stuff cucks say when they’re being cucky.”
“And here in Texas, we ain’t cucky, by God,” Abbott said, raising a shotgun above his head before pulling the trigger. “YEE HAW! If parents want their kids to dodge trucks or end up flat as a pancake at the end of their school day, it’s not the business of any bureaucrat to stand in their way!”
During the same press conference, Abbott announced he was signing an executive order banning abortions in Texas after the point of erection.
“Nothing is more important to me than protecting life. As long as it’s before the life is born, not a Democrat, and it promises to vote for me,” Abbott said. “That’s just how we do things here, y’all!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.