WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. stock market is having its worst week since the start of the Great Recession. Many investors have been spooked by the threat of a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, which the CDC also said this week is likely only a matter of time before it occurs stateside. So far, tens of thousands have been infected, and more than 2,500 have died as a result of the illness. If there is one person these developments have rattled the most, perhaps it’s President Donald J. Trump, who often touts the bullish rise of the stock market during his klanpaign rallies and as a central argument in favor of his re-election.
While his chief of staff Mick Mulvaney told the crowd at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — that the coronavirus is a “hoax,” and Sec. of State Mike Pompeo refused to say whether he believed it’s a hoax or not during a House committee hearing this morning, Trump seemed to sidestep that question as he shouted at reporters on the White House lawn. A visibly frustrated and upset Trump told the media he was waiting for a helicopter ride to McDonald’s, after which he would be taken to Air Force One, which would fly him to South Carolina to attend one of his rallies tonight.
“Look, obviously I don’t know if I can say, because I’m privy to all kinds of information regular people aren’t,” Trump yelled, “but I have good reason to believe that this so-called car-mona virus or whatever it is was unleashed on the world on purpose, as part of a DEEP STATE attempt to obliterate the stock market and hurt my chances in the election. That sounds like election interference to me, doesn’t it sound like that to you?”
Trump paced back and forth, occasionally taking a hamburger out of his coat pocket like others might remove a throat lozenge, removing the wrapper, and stuffing the entire burger in his mouth. He would chew and yell at the same time, presidential food matter flying from his lips. Every so often, a fart could be heard if it was loud enough over the roar of the president and his helicopter.
“I wish the markets would settle down a little bit, but at the end of the day, this thing as all the fingerprints of DEEP STATE, pro-Obama, pro-CROOKED HILLARY operatives,” Trump said. “Everyone knows I outlawed disease as part of my first executive order. Don’t you remember that? I specifically remember making it illegal to be a disease in this country. Maybe that was a dream, but Bill Barr told me that I’m allowed, as president, to pretend my dreams are reality.”
The president was asked for any evidence he might have to back up his claims.
“Evidence? EVIDENCE? Ma’am, you are lucky I’m a GENTLEMAN and won’t punch you square in the mouth for such impudence,” Trump said emotionally. “I am forced to grab you by the pussy though. You know the rules!”
Before Trump could grab the reporter’s genitals, he got a signal that the helicopter was ready.
“You’re lucky. Bigly lucky. This time. I have to go now,” Trump announced. “They told me I can have 30 minutes on the playground if I finish all my chicken nuggies and there’s still time left. Catch me on TV later in South Carolina. It’s gonna be a great time. We have a bunch of books all ready to set on fire, and I’m told a lot of wooden T’s, you know, for TRUMP, are going to be part of the bonfire as well! Do I know how to rile up my base, or what?!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.