WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the time on his first and only presidential term running out, President Trump will reportedly be signing a flurry of executive orders. The first such order was issued just moments ago, and it is sure to cause quite a lot of alarm and controversy.
“As I drag my massively huge,” Trump turned to the woman acting as stenographer, “make sure you notate how massive my hands are, honey. As I drag my bigly huge hands over this paper, leaving a permanent crayon stain that represents my name upon it, I hereby declare myself the actual winner of the 2020 election. Regardless of what the votes say when they’re counted, and we’ll have more executive orders on that bullshit later, I am the actual winner.”
Though he didn’t offer much of an argument as to why he considers himself the “actual” winner, Trump did reiterate some of his most often used talking points.
“This is very simple. When you count only the legal votes, I win,” Trump insisted. “If you’re wondering how to tell what’s an illegal vote and what’s a legal one, don’t. It’s really very easy, and all you have to do is look at the ballot. That’s why we have been suing to get our cultists — excuse me — FUCKING cultists access to the ballots. A legal vote is one for me. An illegal vote is one not for me. It’s so simple even one of my cultists — excuse me! — FUCKING cultists can understand it.”
It’s unclear at this time how much power the order holds. The Constitution is very clear that states have control over their elections, and that the job of certifying the results is theirs alone. However, Trump addressed that fact today during the signing ceremony.
“Since when does what the Constitution has in it have any impact on me? I’m the president. I’m not the President of the Constitution,” Trump barked. “I am the President of the United States! At least of the ones who voted for me, and I plan to argue that I should be allowed to keep being president of the states that chose me. But that’s a discussion for another time, so I must ask all you enemies of the people to leave MY Oval Office. NOW!”
Later in the day, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Cunt) tried to explain things a bit more to reporters.
“All the president is saying is that in the interest of national security, we can’t accept any results that show us for the out of step, pathetic losers we are,” Cruz explained. “So, you see, there are enormous powers the president has in an emergency, and we consider his loss last week to be the most emergent of emergencies. We don’t need elections when Democrats have the gall to win them.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.