WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump issued a formal presidential decree, despite that potentially not even being a thing, according to some/most major constitutional scholars, to every woman who has come forward to publicly accuse Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of prior sexual misconduct.
Below, we have reprinted the letter Mr. Trump sent to the women, verbatim.
Dear Women Who Are Prolly Lying Or Were Asking For It Like You Know Your Type Does,
Look, my guy’s gonna get confirmed, okay? Mitch blew up the filibuster for Gorsuch, and the Democrats simply don’t have the actual power to stop Kavanaughty — as I’ve come to call him (you will be forced by another TOTALLY LEGAL AND LEGIT presidential decree to do so too). So I wish to God you’d just stop standing up for yourself, stop trying to alert the country to the kind of person Kavanaughty is when he’s not putting on a show for cameras, but hey, this is still a free country — no matter how hard I try to fix that particular problem — so, by all means, go and tell your stories to the Senate Judge Judy Committee, see if I care!
I do have one very important presidential demand, which I must make of you all right now. You are required, by TOTALLY LEGAL AND LEGIT constellational law, to comply with this demand bigly quick-like. Okay? Ready?
I hereby demand that you tell me if Brett’s dong looks like any video game characters. Does it look like Bowser, maybe? Or the guy from Castlevania? Maybe Brett’s penis looks like, say, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, you tell me. Ivanka’s told me several times mine is a good size, but well, if it hasn’t become painfully obvious that my inferiority complex and Impostor Syndrome — both very much justified and understandable —
At the end of the day, what’s most important to me — and I dare say this entire nation — is whether or not Brett Kavanaugh’s dick looks deformed, or comically small in any way, shape or form. I’m not asking for any reason in particular, mind you, just for the simple fact that a Supreme Court Justice’s wang shape and dimensions of utmost impotence to me. In fact, you could say from now on, I’ll probably be overly obsessed with whose penis looks like which video game character.
Anywho — let me know soon, k guys?
President Fuckface Von Clownstick
Attorneys for the accusers were not able to be reached for comment.