WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Statue of Liberty could be packed up and shipped back to France by the time votes are cast in next year’s presidential election, according to several sources within the White House. While President Trump deals with the fallout over the “send her back” chant directed at Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar at his rally in North Carolina, which was inspired by his own vicious attacks on Omar and three other women of color in congress, word is that he’s inclined to “fight back bigly hard,” as he was overheard telling his First Lady this morning.
“Ivanka, I’m thinking of going on the offensive,” President Trump told his daughter.
The president’s daughter reportedly put her glass of orange juice down to address her father. The two were enjoying a nice, leisurely breakfast in bed, but Ivanka could tell that her father needed to talk about something important. Ivanka knew it was time to give Daddy her attention.
“You’re always offensive though Diddums! It’s your thing,” Ivanka told her father, “it’s like Luke Skywalker using the Force, or Mitch McConnell having sex with literal lumps of coal! It’s just what you do.”
The president could see his daughter was confused.
“No! I mean go on the offensive, you know, attack,” Trump said, “I’m thinking of going on the attack. And I’m pretty sure I know exactly who my next target it. Some French broad we don’t even need in our country anymore since we’re back on the white track.”
President Trump farted and reflexively tried to blame it on former Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When he realized she wasn’t in the room, Trump quickly pivoted away from the gas that had just come out of his body.
“You know what I’m gonna do, Vanky Baby? I’m going to send her back,” Trump said.
Ivanka sounded alarmed.
“Oh no! Don’t do that, Diddums! I mean, I obviously don’t really care about the plight of others, but I don’t want to be asked questions about your racism anymore, Diddums,” Ivanka said. “It’s hard to come up with new, believable excuses for it all the time!”
The president laughed.
“Oh, not that Omar woman, Ivanka! I’m going to send the Statue of Liberty back where she came from,” President Trump told his First Daughter Lady. “Once my people find out she’s an immigrant, she’ll be on the first ship back!”
President Trump reportedly thinks the Statue of Liberty is a “bigly threat to American life,” because she “promotes reckless immigration.”
“The poem on the statue is so dangerous, Vanky Baby! So dangerous,” Trump said. “Like, she doesn’t even say anything about the tired, huddled masses being EXTREME VETTED! She doesn’t say we’ll make them take an ideological purity test or nothin’! Hell, that poem doesn’t even say we want them to be merit based before they yearn to be free! I’m sorry, Vanky Baby, I cannot abide this. I cannot sit back and let our country be free to everyone. That’s dangerous!”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters when asked about the rumors of Trump sending the statue back that she is “outraged, shocked, and horrified” by the news.
“But I cannot do anything, literally anything, until it’s politically expedient,” Pelosi said. “So hopefully the polls tell me it’s okay to use the powers the voters literally just gave me less than a year ago, but you just never know.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”