HOBART, ARKANSAS — When Clem O’Connell found out about the horrific act of terror committed at a Las Vegas musical festival, he wasted no time in recording a podcast and making posts on his popular right-wing Facebook page, “Only Biased in the Right Ways.”
“This is just tragedy beyond any compare,” Clem began the latest episode, “and it’s really sad that there’s literally nothing we can do to prevent gun violence in this country. Literally nothing. Like if you suggest something we might even try, I can tell you before you finish your first sentence how utterly wrong you are.”
The Last Vegas shooting is now the deadliest in American history. So far, 50 have been confirmed killed and over 400 more injured. The shooter was identified by local authorities as Stephen Paddock, 64, of Mesquite, Nevada. A woman described as a “companion” of Paddock’s has been located as well, though it’s unclear at the time of publication what role, if any, she played in the shooting which took place during a country music festival being held at the Mandalay Bay resort.
“Sure they found ten rifles in his room,” Clem said, “but I mean, it’s every American’s solemn, God given right to own as many semi-automatic rifles as they want, even if they are deranged, unstable, domestic violence abusers, or terrorists. We have to let them have the guns cuz the Second Amendment was literally written by infallible demigods incapable of having any ideas that just aren’t as good as they were over 200 years ago when they were first hatched.”
During the episode, one aspect of the shooting, the deadliest in American history, that “truly baffles” Clem, he said, was that it felt like an act of terror, but was carried out in Las Vegas, and President Trump’s ban of people coming into the country from six Muslim majority countries is being enforced. In his estimation, Trump’s travel ban should have stopped this act of terror, as well as all acts of terror.
“Because only Muslims commit acts of terror,” Clem said, “and if that’s not right then why are all these right-wingers trying to convince us of that fact? I mean, why would the same people who lied about WMD in Iraq tell us a lie about the dangers of Muslim immigrants and refugees? It’s just so incongruous of them to lie about more than one thing, even if they also used anti-Muslim fears to stoke popularity for their war on terror, which was a cover for the Iraq War?”
Mr. O’Connell says that “in times of great tragedy” it’s time to change how Americans view things. Even though Las Vegas is a city in Nevada, which a state in the union, Clem thinks Trump should consider adding the city to his travel ban.
“I didn’t know that Las Vegas was a Muslim country,” Clem said, “but I’m willing to add them to the ban list if Trump is!”
The White House did not respond to requests for comment.
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.