LAISOLE VALLEY, ARKANSAS — Doctors attending to his final moments say that Hoss Huckleberry, a local man and avid, die hard Trump supporter, passed peacefully in his sleep after poisoning himself with intravenously dosed disinfectant. The nurses and medical professionals looking after Mr. Huckleberry at St. Mary of the Stupids Hospital in nearby Dippschitt Springs said that he expressed regret at having listened to the president’s musings on alternative treatments for COVID-19, but that just before he died, he also described how his insides felt to them.
“Wow! This is amazing! I know I’m dying. I know I’m going to die, and die soon. I probably should’ve known that the guy who stares at eclipses might not have any basis in scientific data when he rambles on about things,” Hoss reportedly told friends, loved ones, and the hospital staff in his room at the time, “but, my veins feel great right now! Really fresh and clean!”
Hoss was elated, his family said, that he was feeling so good right before he died. Huckleberry didn’t want to die in pain after contracting COVID-19 at a liberate Arkansas protest. Hoss had seen President Trump’s tweets encouraging the protests of stay at home orders issued by various governors, and decided it was his patriotic duty to go out with a couple hundred of his fellow Americans and demand his state open back up its economic activity in full.
“I can’t believe it! I don’t feel any coronavirus in my blood right now,” Hoss apparently exclaimed. “I mean, my tongue is numb, half my extremities don’t work, I’m shitting and puking some kind of foamy stuff, and my vision is getting darker and darker, but I don’t feel any coronavirus in me! Don’t feel much of anything because of all the morphine and what the bleach did to my insides, but MAGA YOLO, know what I mean fam?”
It all happened so quickly, Hoss’s family told our reporter. He went to the protest, and started feeling COVID-like symptoms within two days. Last night, Hoss watched President Trump’s daily campaign rally and coronavirus task force press conference, heard him speculate about injecting disinfectant, and UV rays, and immediately went down to the basement to rummage around in his cleaning supplies.
At first, Hoss tried to figure out how to hook up his roommate’s home tanning bed to an IV. After thirty frustrating minutes, Huckleberry decided getting UV rays into his veins would be harder than getting bleach into them. So, he decided that the large jug of bleach he had would indeed have to “do the trick,” he’d tell his family just before passing away.
“Hoss was a great man. A great family man. A God fearing man,” Huckleberry’s cousin Skeeter told us. “But he weren’t the brightest bulb in the box, if you get my meaning. Most of us would get that you can’t inject bleach into your body, no matter what the president says, but Hoss was a believer, and he believed the people he thought he could trust to give him the straight dope. We’ll miss that simple, kind hearted galoot somethin’ fierce.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.