WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is not pleased at all that Twitter slapped fact-check labels on two of his tweets yesterday, and his outrage is so strong that the normally calm and reticent president has lashed out multiple times on Twitter about it. An outraged Trump complained that Twitter is “stifling free speech” by adding information to two of his tweets regarding mail-in balloting.
Reportedly, sources close to the White House are telling friends and family that Trump is seething about the Twitter fact-checks, and wants to do something about it. This might explain a tweet he sent today, threatening “big action.” It’s unclear at this time, however, what “big action” might mean to Trump and his allies.
Twitter has now shown that everything we have been saying about them (and their other compatriots) is correct. Big action to follow!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 27, 2020
A visibly unnerved Trump was seen skulking around the White House lawn just after his second lunch. He agreed to answer a few questions from the press, whom he reminded are “the absolute enemies of the white, angry, evangelical, ignorant people.” When asked about the Twitter fact checks, Trump lashed out angrily, and said he would be signing a new executive order “very soon” to address the issue head-on.
“Well, quite frankly my new order will take care of things once and for all,” Trump insisted, “but the gist of it is that if they’re gonna fact-check me, those Twitter cucks have to alternatively fact-check my haters! It’s only fair. Twitter has a duty to the untruth, and if they won’t honor that duty, then I’m afraid I’ll have to take that duty from them, and anyone who knows me knows I take the best duties.”
President Trump announced that he would be signing an executive order in the next day or two that would demand Twitter start appending alternative fact-checks to tweets written by Democrats. Trump’s order will insist that Twitter work with state voting registries to determine the political affiliation of its users, and if a tweet is crafted by a member of the Democratic Party, Trump wants that tweet hit with an alternative fact-check. The president was asked what he thinks an alternative fact-check would look like, and he had a rambling, barely coherent response.
“That’s a great question. Well, wait, what outlet do you work for? It might be a terrible question if you work for one of the FAKE NEWS organizations,” Trump said. “Anyway, let me answer your probably nasty question, but first I will pick my nose and fart, as that’s how my thoughts actually form.”
Trump farted and picked his nose for six minutes.
“An alternative fact-check would work like this. Let’s say someone tweets about how my response to the coronavirus was so delayed in likely cost us another 30,000 lives,” Trump answered, “well, Twitter should put an alternative fact-check on there stating that this is probably China’s fault, that Hillary was asleep during Benghazi, that Barack Obama was once president while black, and that sixty trillion illegal Mexicans voted in the last election. If Democrats’ tweets don’t have alternative facts in them, Twitter should force the alternative facts into the tweets. Simple.”
As reported by sister publication The Political Garbage Chute, Twitter will reportedly also begin slapping another label on various Trump tweets. Beginning sometime this week, some of Trump’s tweets will carry a label that they came from an “emotionally fragile idiot.” Twitter said they’ll reserve the label for Trump’s “most gallingly stupid” tweets.
“Because of the unique intellectual capacity of our president, and his unbelievably strained and tenuous relationship with truth and reality,” Twitter wrote, “we will also begin to add a new label to some of his tweets when needed. The new label will remind users that Trump is an emotionally fragile idiot, and hopefully that means people who read his tweets will remember pretty much nothing he says should be taken at face value.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Twitter has not yet responded to Trump’s threats.
More: Cornelius Fudge Says Coronavirus Seems Well Contained and Magical Economy Can Re-Open ‘Immediately’
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.