Yesterday, Rupert Murdoch’s print version of Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, published a diatribe written by former, one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump, in its “Letters to the Editor” section, in response to a piece in the paper’s news section about Pennsylvania’s 2020 election.
The letter contains numerous previously debunked conspiracy theories, new allegations that his former Attorney General conspired to help rig the election against him, and outright lies written by Don Trump. The Wall Street Journal puts all their content behind a paywall, and we also signed an agreement with our webhost not to post any content that is an attack on democracy, so we cannot reprint Trump’s letter verbatim. What we can do, however, is sanitize his letter.
We took Trump’s letter and ran it through a complex algorithm that sewage treatment plants use to identify feces in water, isolate it, and remove it. If it can work to remove the shit in our pipes, we believed it could cleanse Trump’s words of their bullshit.
We were correct. Our algorithm did a hell of a job. However, it wasn’t enough. So we engaged some artificial intelligence to remove Trump’s very real unintelligence. Combining the two techniques, we were able to successfully remove any and all lies, fabrications, exaggerations, and straight-up bullshit in Trump’s letter.
What’s left of Trump’s letter, after those processes were completed, is printed below:
In your editorial “The Election for Pennsylvania’s High Court” (Oct. 25), you state – REMOVED –
When we realized we had so much space left to print this story, we decided to also see what happened if we ran Trump’s letter through a special machine designed to translate farts into English. Below is a transcript of Trump’s letter, translated from MAGA-ese into standard American English.
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m a big, fucking, whining, crying, sore loser baby bitch boy! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And I want to be given what I feel I am entitled to, because my asshole, rich, racist fuckwit parents never told me only giant cunts behave that way. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Which would explain why I’m such a massive, lying cunt. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, um, Democrats bad, socialism evil, and, uh, Make America Great Again Again, or whatever. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don’t know. Where’s Ivanka, I need her. Sexually. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.