WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though there are still several months left before the primary season comes to a close, President Donald Trump is already in full campaigning mode. Mr. Trump has taken swipes at Democratic candidate Vice President Joe Biden as well as the field in general. It’s become obvious to even casual observers how important winning re-election is to the alleged billionaire and reality-TV host turned most powerful man in the world.
This morning, speaking in the Oval Office to reporters, Trump addressed the issue of election security, and issued a warning to all of his “enemies, both foreign and, you know, here and stuff.” The president’s warning?
“Don’t even think about meddling or interfering in our elections this time,” Trump said emphatically, looking into the camera lenses and evoking memories of his time as host of NBC’s The Apprentice. “I mean that. To all my enemies, both foreign and, you know, here and stuff — be warned. Do not tamper, interfere, meddle, or insert yourself into this election. We want it clean this time, okay? No funny business.”
Reaching into the Resolute Desk for a Diet Coke, Trump popped it open, took a long belt from it, belched, and then continued.
“We’re watching you like hawks; all of us are,” Trump warned his enemies. “You even think about interfering with next year’s election, and I will personally oversee your criminal trial if you attempt to in any way tamper with our election. Do not test me.”
Trump opened another drawer in the desk and pulled out a bucket of KFC. The president pulled some chicken out and got out a bowl of gravy. Trump began dipping the chicken in the gravy as he continued to talk.
“Interfering in our election would really be a bigly bad move, so I hope all my enemies and haters are out there listening very carefully,” Trump warned. “I’m not playing around. I’m not playing games. I’m in this fight for real, and I will be very vigilant!”
Before shooing the reporters out so he could have some “private executive time,” Trump issued another threat to his enemies.
“Folks, don’t test me on this one. I take election interference very seriously,” Trump said. “So if we catch you interfering in my re-election by voting for the Democrat next year? You’re going to jail. Big time jail. I was going to sue you if you voted for someone other than me, but Stephen Miller has made a really convincing argument for why you should actually be sent to the concentration camps with the brown babies we kidnapped.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat, told reporters upon hearing the word of Trump’s threats that she is “so very very very upset, concerned, perturbed, and bothered” by it. However, she’s unsure if the American people want her to do anything. Pelosi said she’s also not convinced she even has any powers to do anything.
“Look this is terrible. He’s a lawless autocrat and he is doing real damage our country’s institutions,” Pelosi said. “But doing something about it? Actually doing something about it? Yikes, folks. Yikes. I’m not a big believer in inspiring your electorate to believe in you, and that’s why I’m so proud of my approval rating never, ever, ever being above 30%, which is technically lower than Trump’s, because I can’t even manage to please my base like he can please his. The point is, doing stuff takes effort, which takes political courage, and once the results of a poll I’ve ordered conducted come back, I’ll know whether it’s politically expedient for me to do my job, okay? Great thanks. Remember — Mama Nancy knows better than you. ALWAYS.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.