WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a new presidential edict signed just this morning, hospitals in the United States have been ordered to send their COVID-19 related data to President Donald Trump’s personal America Online account. The account, which the alleged billionaire opened more than 25 years ago but never closed, will be the “sole point of entry” for coronavirus data into the federal government, Trump announced.
The White House has been increasingly on the defensive about its handling of the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s unmistakable that many in the administration believe this fall’s presidential election could be a referendum on Trump’s handling of the crisis. As the economic fallout from the virus forcing large swaths of the country’s small businesses to shutter themselves continues to be felt, the White House has even begun attacking one of its own coronavirus task force experts, Dr. Anthony Fauci, because he’s been far more reticent to encourage people to go back to work, and for kids to go back to school, and the president feels that message weakens his administration and his reelection bid.
Controlling the narrative is vital, sources are reporting, in Trump’s mind. In order to do so, he believes he needs complete and total control of the news cycle, which would be made all the easier by him having sole control of the coronavirus data. However, Trump announced that after careful deliberation, he couldn’t even trust his own Health and Human Services Department with the sensitive data, and therefore the “bigly best place” for it to be sent would be to his old AOL account.
“What I just signed is, pretty much, the most important document in this country’s history, truly. I’m told by people who kiss my ass regularly that it’s more important than the Declaration of Independence and shit,” Trump said, scratching his ass with a pen he’d just used to sign the order. “It’s an order that tells hospitals in my country that they have to send their COVID data — you know what data is, right, because I just found out yesterday — to me. In fact, they have to send it to my AOL account.”
A copy of the order, issued to the press by the White House, lists the president’s AOL account as “BigHandDon69@AOL.com.” The order states that as long as Trump remains in office, all coronavirus data must bypass the CDC and be sent directly to Trump’s AOL account. That’s the only account Trump knows how to get into without any help from someone else, and therefore, he argues, is the safest place for the data to be kept.
“This is only for as long as I’m president, which according to Billy Barr I can make last forever,” Trump suggested, “but whatever, who cares about that? The point is that I’m entitled to see any data that makes me look bad before the public sees it, so that I can make up one of my excuses for how bad it makes me look. It’s just the way things are, and don’t you dare try to confirm if that’s true or not, or I will sue you!”
Not only will the COVID-19 data be kept “more safely-er,” Trump said, it will also have a “very wonderful secondary effect.”
“Now, I can finally hear that nice gentleman tell me I’ve got mail again,” Trump exclaimed. “Ever since MY DAUGHTER IVANKA left AOL, I have gotten a lot less IMs and emails, and that’s not fair! Don’t I deserve to get ALL the emails, or at least the majority of them? I think so, and Billy Barr agrees with me, like he agrees with me on every subject.”
It’s unclear at this time how Trump’s order will be enforced, or if hospitals will attempt to comply with it. This story will be updated as new developments arise.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.