WASHINGTON, D.C. — During yesterday’s quickly assembled meeting at the White House, President Trump backpedaled on statements he made at a joint press conference with Russian President, and his employer, Vladimir Putin just a day prior.
There was also a moment that seemed, perhaps to some, like a metaphor for the whole situation leading up to the leader of the free world excusing his letting a brutal, murderous illegitimate president off the hook for attacking the 2016 presidential election. While explaining to the entire world that he simply misspoke and meant to say he couldn’t see why it “wouldn’t be” instead of “would be” Russia that attacked the election systems, the lights in the White House all went inexplicably black.
In the moment, Trump made a quip about the lights being shut off by “the intelligence agencies.” However, the White House today announced that they’d been able to pinpoint the reason for the sudden blackout. That reason — a sudden loss of power.
“We spoke with the engineers here on site, and they indicated that a loss of white power, brief as it may have been, was the reason for the sudden blackout,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained while wiping Cheeto crumbs from her hands. “And we don’t like to use that term, blackout, or black ANYTHING in this administration, so you can understand how seriously we took this incident.”
Sanders assured reporters, however, that steps have already been taken to make sure another loss of white power, which she called “critical to the success of this administration,” ever happens again.
“To ensure there’s never a lack of white power in this building again, we’ve hired Ann Coulter and Tammy Lahren to bone Stephen Miller around the clock,” Huckabee Sanders said. “That way, the sheer white power generated by that orgy of not even thinly veiled white supremacy will keep things humming around here forever and ever.”
Before she left the briefing room, Sanders stopped, turned, and added one more thing.
“Oh, also: Fuck you, libtarded press corps. You are enemies of the people and people should murder you,” Huckabee said. “And don’t go quoting what I just said accurately, because that’s fake news, asshole fuckfaces. I RESPECT THE MEDIA!”
This is a developing story.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.